There is always a catch! Life is a catch! I suggest you catch it while you can!

Hey y'all, Big Daddy Qun a.k.a. Something Awful dot com forums poster Shadow Isaac here with the blog you've all been demanding.

Posted in mind-November an unassuming thread entitled "Darker. Sexier. Better. Let's Play Dragon Age 2!" telling the story of amoral wisecracking alcoholic Valerie Hawke and her rise to power in the bustling metropolis of Kirkwall quickly took the Let's Play subforum by storm, eventually racking up over 6,000 posts, 750,000 views and 900 votes. Unfortunately a candle that burns twice as bright burns half as long, as the thread was unjustly snuffed out by the highly qualified and responsive moderation of Something Awful, who cited "low-effort," "derailing," and "shitty posting" as their justifications for gassing the thread and banning people who kept bringing it up or questioning the decision. Far be it for me to question the decisions of the crack moderation staff of the most troll-free forum on the internet, so instead I have created this blog to share this epic with the world at large and create a safe zone for discussion of RPG Mechanics, Mass Effect 3 spoilers and David Gaider's slash fanfiction.

I'll be trying to keep this update at the top of the blog with an index linking to each individual post, as I doubt anyone's going to want to go through several hundred updates in reverse order. Enjoy the saga of the Champion of Kirkwall and please bear with me, I haven't used blogspot in roughly 4 years.

And Here My Troubles Began
The Legend Begins
This is the Tutorial pt. 1
This is the Tutorial pt. 2
This is the Tutorial pt. 3
INTERLUDE: On Dialogue
This is the Tutorial: The End
Enter Dwarfman
The Dalish Mistake pt.1
The Dalish Mistake pt.2
The Dalish Mistake: Epilogue
The Plot, Much Like My Vomit, Thickens
Desperately Seeking Storyline
RENEGADE INTERRUPT
Finally, It's Happened To Me
My Faggot Son
Love And Death In Lowtown
SQUEEEEE
Big Gaider Is Watching
Get Out Of Here A.N.D.E.R.S. pt.1
Get Out Of Here A.N.D.E.R.S. pt.2
Get Out Of Here A.N.D.E.R.S. pt.3
The Bloodmage Jihad: There Is No Head Writer But Gaider And Hepler Is His Prophet
Introducing The Bone Pit
Hawke's Gotta Get Paid: Part The First 
God Is Empty Just Like Me
YOU HAVE COME TO A WORLD CALLED GOR
A Plague Burned Upon My Very Harddrive pt.1
A Plague Burned Upon My Very Harddrive pt.2
I'm Valerie Hawke And This Is My Favorite Whorehouse In The Citadel
Hawke's Gotta Get Paid: Part The Second
My Disease Is Doing Push-Ups In The Parking Lot
David Gaider's From Hell pt.1
David Gaider's From Hell pt.2
Kirkwall Babylon
Permabanned Pedophile The Eye Of Andraste pt.1
Permabanned Pedophile The Eye Of Andraste pt.2
I Hope You Like to Fuck pt.1
I Hope You Like To Fuck pt.2
The Bloodmage Whore Sage pt.1
The Bloodmage Whore Saga pt.2
The Bloodmage Whore Saga pt.3
The Bloodmage Whore Saga pt.4
The Bloodmage Whore Saga pt.5
The Bloodmage Whore Saga: Epilogue
Kirkwall: Life On The Street
I Don't Eat, I Don't Sleep, I Do Nothing But Think Of You
Balls Deep pt.1
Balls Deep pt.2
Balls Deep pt.3
Balls Deep pt.4
Balls Deep pt.5
Second Act, Shit Is Still Wack
The Hawke's Nest
What A Man, What A Man, What A Mighty Blow Man
Merrillcide: Life On The Squee
A.N.D.E.R.S. - Call Of Scriptycrap
The Qunari Gas Chamber pt.1
The Qunari Gas Chamber pt.2
The Qunari Gas Chamber pt.3
The Qunari Gas Chamber: Epilogue
Stop Right There, Criminal Scum!
INTERLUDE: Slowbeef Doesn't Get "Jokes"
The Emancipation Trashmob Annihilation
Erase Myself, Cross Out What I've Become
I Did It All For The Nookie
Hello, 911? This Sexual Romance Is Over.
In Dreams I Snark With You pt.1
In Dreams I Snark With You pt.2
In Dreams I Like Big Butts pt.3
In Dreams I Snark With You pt.4
In Dreams I Snark With You: Epilogue
I'm Sowwy
Sorry About Trying To Kill You, Wanna Fuck?
Goddamn I Want To Fuck+Cum In That Bioware Babe
The Valerie Hawke Get Your Friends Laid Show pt.1
The Valerie Hawke Get Your Friends Laid Show pt.2
The Valerie Hawke Get Your Friends Laid Show pt.3
The Valerie Hawke Get Your Friends Laid Show pt.4
The Valerie Hawke Get Your Friends Laid Show pt.5
The Backwardsteve Marauders
Aveline... Loves To Fuck???
Is This The Real Life?
Up Against The Wall
The Ecstasy Of Trash
Do The Bartrand
My Little Bartrand: Fratricide Is Magic
Dark Rumblings In Weimar Kirkwall
Die Tranquillosung pt.1
Die Tranquillosung pt.2
Die Tranquillosung pt.3
Mirror Mirror On The Wall, Whose Head Is Most Nommable Of All?
My Clan Packed Up To Move Without Even Telling Me (self.RAOP)
Valterral More Like Failterral
Retard Moe: It's Not Just For ADTRW Anymore!
Rolling In The Deep Roads pt.1
Rolling In The Deep Roads pt.2
The Qidnapped Qunari pt.1: The Greatest Update Ever Told
The Qidnapped Qunari pt.2
The Qidnapped Qunari pt.3
Truly, Madly, Deeply
Let's Frame A Templar!
Bloodmages Up, Hoes Down pt.1
Bloodmages Up, Hoes Down: pt 2
Bloodmages Up, Hoes Down: pt.3
PUA: The Marethari Method
Who Needs DPS When You're DTF?
Loss.jpg pt.1
Loss.jpg pt.2
Loss.jpg pt.3
Loss.jpg: Epilogue
Shonky Business at The Bone Pit
And Now Some Awkward Touchy-Feely Crap
I Love My Dead Gay Trash Mob
An "Unexpected" Development pt.1
An "Unexpected" Development pt.2
The Qunari Qonundrum pt.1
The Qunari Qonundrum pt.2
The Qunari Qonundrum: Epilogue
INTERMISSION: Act 2 Deleted Scenes
Occupy Hightown
The Vapidcaust
A Touching Family Reunion pt.1
A Touching Family Reunion pt.2
This Will Go Somewhere Eventually
Goddamn You Half-Antivan Elves Do It To Me Everytime
Cure Yourself By Rubbing Feces Into The Wounds
This Charade Packs A Wallop!
This Epilogue Is A Charade
Who Needs Game Design?
But Thou Must!
Massive Wyrm Penetrates Bone Pit
I'm So Ashamed Of This Reference
Hawke The Bounty Hunter pt.1
Hawke The Pussy Hunter pt.2
Hawke The Bounty Hunter pt.3
Hawke The Bounty Hunter: Epilogue
My Alchemical Romance
This Is David Gaider's Pet Character
Dude, No. This Is Serious. I Just Sharded.
How Is Trashmob Formed?
The Kirkwall Tea Party Is NOT A Hate Group
The Earth Died Gigglesqueeing pt.1
The Earth Died Gigglesqueeing pt.2
Merrill & Lynch: Doglord Days
You Got Mage In My Templar! You Got Templar In My Mage! pt.1
You Got Mage In My Templar! You Got Templar In My Mage! pt.2
You Got Mage In My Templar! You Got Templar In My Mage! pt.3
You Got Mage In My Templar! You Got Templar In My Mage! Epilogue
Where Were You When The Towers Fell?
We'll Put A Boot Up Your Ass, It's The Kirkwallian Way
The Thin Red Life Meter
This Is Our Last Dance, This Is Ourselves... Under Gaider
STOP! Templar Time
A Pox On Both Your Factions!
Bitch I Look Like Goku
So Long And Thanks For All The Trash
The Gigglesquee Social Club (Fanart)

Bioware Takes Action

So as you may know, the videos made by youtube user lljkceski were prominently featured throughout this LP as well as the original SA thread. However, those of you reviewing the SA thread may notice something amiss now.

To wit:

For an explanation, let's turn to Ceski himself:

summary:

1) 'tube got removed because ea claims copyright violations on a fair use video containing 3 second clips from gametrailers and screenshots of dlc promotion on facebook

2) google made me take a copyright test before being able to login and my account is now flagged for being a naughty boy

3) i filed a counterclaim citing fair use

4) ea has a week to reply with either a retraction or a court issued restraining order

now i wait to get sued or something i dunno i dont care. all my enemies come out for a huge party etc

Note that this only happened after the profile of Ceski's channel was raised immensely when Kotaku recently linked to his "Ace of Bioware" video following the Hepler/reddit incident. That's right everyone, EA/Bioware literally had a video removed from Youtube and might take legal action against the editor of said video for making fun of them.

The Gigglesquee Social Club

Here's where I take some time out to show my appreciation for the wonderful fanart I've received throughout the course of this LP.

First off, we've got the amazing image from CrushedB that started the whole train rolling.

MoonwalkInvincible brings us an image that was labored over with as much attention to detail as the Dragon Age 2 script!


bhlaab treats us to some eye candy of Kirkwall's dreamiest apostate mage:


Starmaker gets moe as fuck


Comrade Question fires up mspaint to give us a look into the Bioware writers' room:


Pear takes us backstage at the Kirkwall stop of the Mechanical Animals tour:

And gives us another perspective on asexual internet celebrity Ben Yahtzee Croshaw's favorite ginger boy toy:


Strong Convections gives us a glimpse at the game we all actually want to play:


Horrible Smutbeast takes us inside the scintillating banter of Valerie's fallback party:

and gives us a look at the rest of Valerie's motley crew:

And presents the greatest image crafted by human hands:

_{click for full version!}

And now, an exclusive look at her soon to be legendary work-in-progress, a little something I like to call Valerie 5 Trashes:

 

Next up, YCS poster and permabanned pedophile The Eye of God brings us another glimpse at the greatest crossover ever conceived:

 

Blog commenter Algus gives us an image that I don't really understand because Zorak banned me before I could start reading ADTRW:

 

 YCS poster Hunting Girl provides the image that has been my desktop background for like the past 3 months now:

 

And I feel no fanart section would be complete without some outstanding efforts by the Bioware forums/Deviantart community at large. While they may not have been inspired by the LP itself, they are certainly in the spirit of this epic of epics.

WHERE DID YOU FIND MY JOURNAL

Ser David Gaider


The Chiseled Features Of A Young Clancy Brown


Darker, Sexier, Better


It's good to be the Arishok


And finally, the greatest story ever told:

To Sumbit (sic)
by ~carrioncorpse

The Arishok stared down at Saemus Dumar for what seemed like an eternity. He finally shifted his heavy body, leaning forward as if to get a better look at him. "You won't meet my eyes." His voice rumbled, it shook the very core of the young man's being.

Saemus despaired, clenching his fist. "Ashaad died on my accou-" He tried to speak, but the Arishok interupted him.

The Arishok waved his powerful hand dismissvely, "Parshaara. Ashaad made a decision. Asit tal-eb." His dark eyes were focused on Saemus.

He slowly looked up at the massive figure, taking in his full form with awe. Even though the Arishok sat- hunched over no less, he was still taller than Saemus. "Yes Arishok, Ashaad said this to me." Saemus spoke softly, his voice resigned.

"Ashaad saw worth in you." He balanced a muscular arm on his knee. "He said you sought the wisdom of the Qun."

Saemus didn't hesitate, he knew this is what he and Ashaad both wanted- and what his father loathed. "Yes. Ashaad said I would become...Viddathari."

"Come. Submit to the Qun." The Arishok demanded, his voice was low.

Saemus was unsure of what the Arishok expected of him. He slowly got to his feet, and looked to the Arishok's guardsmen for guidance. They offered none. He took a few hesitant steps toward the Arishok.

"Why do you hesitate?" The Arishok growled. "The Qun demands conviction." Another Qunari stepped out from the left of the Arishok's stone bench-throne. He carried a large bowl in both of his muscular hands and knelt before the Arishok. Saemus couldn't see the contents of the bowl and did his best to swallow the nerves balling up in his throat. The Arishok's words caused him to quickly ascend the stairs until he stood before the Giant.

The Arishok suddenly grabbed the young man by his velvet doublet and tore it from his body with little effort. Saemus cried out in surprise, the Qunari's eyes were all over him- canvasing his bare chest. The chilly air of the docks at night made his skin gooseflesh and his nipples harden.

The way the powerful Arishok looked at him excited him, his breathing became ragged and his chest rose and fell rapidly. He saw the Arishok reach his muscular hand over and dip it into the bowl the kneeling Qunari soldier held- covering it in a crimson paint.

The Arishok's dry hand grabbed Saemus by the front of his pants and pulled him atop his knees roughly. Saemus didn't resist, the Arishok could easily break him if he did. Although he could barely straddle the Giant's wide thighs. A large hand streaked wet warpaint across his chest. Saemus lowered his head and bit his lip, trying to hold back the erotic noises that wished to flee from him.

Saemus could feel the eyes of the Qunari guardsmen on him as the Arishok painted his chest. The Arishok's strong hand brushed over his nipples, streaking the red paint on his pale skin. He again dipped his hand in the bowl of paint, smearing more on his body. Thick fingertips made circular motions over his nipples.

Maker.

Saemus wondered if the Arishok knew what he was doing to his body- if he was so naive- No.  A man with this much power must know exactly what he was doing. Saemus's member was growing firm in his breeches, he grunted as the Qunari leader scraped his claw against his hard pink nipple. He felt the Arishok's massive paint slicked hand grip his throat, the pungent smell of the paint tickled his nose. The paint was streaked across his face then- the Arishok's handprint had now temporarily been branded on him.

"Do you pledge yourself to the Qun, Dumar?" The Arishok's slicked hand gripped Saemus's hair and pulled his head back to meet eyes with him. The Arishok's rumbling voice reverberated against Saemus's body.

The intense glare of the Arishok stunned him, his lower lip quivered, "Yes...my Arishok." The smell of the paint was making his head dizzy, his hands had made their way to the crotch of his breeches subconciously to rub his growing erection.  His breath became hot and heavier, he suddenly leaned his forehead against the Arishok's broad, muscular chest.

The Arishok seemed to be expecting this- or at least, he didn't react. "Then you are now Viddathari." The Qunari soldier who carried the bowl of warpaint set down the bowl and removed the Arishok's shoulderpads and mantle, as if he had been comanded to. He carried it away back within the compound.

Now bare-chested, the Arishok looked down at the vapor-drugged Saemus. He lifted his chin with his hand and examined his face as if expecting something. He gripped the seat of Saemus's breeches with both hands and shredded them in a single pull. Saemus moaned against his pectoral muscle. The Arishok held Saemus tightly against his chest and didn't hesitate to push a thick, paint slicked finger into him. Saemus's body tensed up, but even he was surprised at the ease of it. The combination of the paint lubricant and his time with Ashaad had given him some experience. A low moan escaped his lips, Saemus's arms reached up and wrapped around the Arishok's neck.

The Arishok's paint slicked middle finger slowly moved in and out of Saemus's anus. He probed at his warm, wet insides- feeling the twitching muscle. The young man bucked his hips wantingly, his soft lips had found a comfortable place on the Qunari's clavicle- which he sucked and licked at. His fingers had twisted into the Arishok's stringy hair.

The Arishok wasn't Ashaad- but the familiarity couldn't be discounted. He was much, much larger- and older. However, Saemus hadn't recieved any sort of comfort since Ashaad's death, no solace, no kind words. The feeling of being in the Qunari's arms, mixed with the effect of the warpaint- was enough. It was enough knowing that he was submitting to the Qun. This is what Ashaad would've wanted.

The Arishok's dry hand cupped the young man's pale cheek, spreading it apart from the other as his slick middle finger moved inside and out. A second finger joined in and further pried open the taut ring of muscle to allow the passage of what was to come. His fingers shifted at a faster pace, jerking Saemus's body against him.

Saemus grinded his hips wildly, his body gripped by an unnatural violent passion. Whether it was the fumes of the warpaint or the Arishok's pheremones, he would never know. The sensitive tip of his erection smeared clear fluid against the Arishok's brick abdominals. Saemus's thoughts wer becoming unclear- primal. His body was tingling all over. His once gentle hold around the Arishok's neck had now become a frenzied grasp onto the heavy waved horns that crowned the Qunari's head. A roar, no- a battle cry- erupted from his small frame and echoed throughout the Compound.

The observing Qunari responded with a resounding call- was it some kind of salute or acknowledgement? Saemus wasn't in the right mind to ponder its' meaning. However, the Arishok knew. He met eyes with Saemus- was...that a smile? No. The Arishok did not smile- nor did he ever laugh. The Viddithari had proven his conviction. He was worthy of the Qun- its protection, and it's Arishok.

Slippery fingers were pulled out of him and gripped onto his cheek. His rear squirmed in the Arishok's firm grip, as if to find them again. A strangling noise escaped Saemus's painted mouth, as if the loss of the Arishok's fingers were depriving him of air.

The ever-stoic Arishok looked down into Saemus's fixated, frenzied, desperate eyes. "Patience." He rumbled. He lifted Saemus's body against him. His movements were slow, and precise. Leather shifted. When Saemus was back straddling the thighs of the Arishok, he felt the Giant's thick rod- pressed against the small of his back. A bit of reality suddenly sank in. Saemus's delicate dark brows raised in surprise- maybe horror- feeling the sheer size at what was expected to be inside of him.

The Arishok studied Saemus's face while squeezing his soft, fleshy buttox- massaging them against his monstrous erection. Saemus saw a softness in his face that no one else could see. Saemus agreed to place his trust in the Arishok without speaking a word, the Arishok knew.

"Viddathari. Put your Arishok inside you." He commanded. The Arishok's hands released Saemus, and he pulled Saemus's arms down from his horns. He sat back in his throne, taking on a more relaxed position, with his stare focused on Saemus.

Saemus felt all the eyes of the Qunari on him- expecting him to serve the Arishok. He tried to shakily reposition himself. It was akward being atop the massive Qunari, his legs barely could straddle across his thighs- and now he was expected to do this himself. He tried to scoot back, so he could face the Arishok- but he had nothing for leverage- and the Arishok would not help him.

His face flushed crimson when he realized he would have to do this with his back against the Arishok's chest- facing the Qunari soldiers in the compound. He shut his eyes tightly, and let out a long breath of resolve. Saemus swung his legs over the Arishok's knees and straddled him from the opposite direction.  He used the heel of the boots to catch the edge of the throne and propped a hand up on the Arishok's knee for leverage. With his free hand, he reached back to take hold of the Arishok's massive rod. He looked away from the compound, and held his breath as he pressed the head of the Arishok's penis into his hole.

He let out a soft cry of frustration, he wasn't steady yet- and his knees were growing weak trying to hold up the weight of his body in such an awkward position. Sweat trickled down his pale thighs, and his ass trembled. He arched his back and pushed his back end further down, finally swallowing in the whole head of the Arishok's cock. With this, he let go of the thick shaft and was able to hold himself with both hands on the Qunari's knees. He let out a long breath, his brows furrowing together as the Arishok's cock-head throbbed in his ass.

The Arishok watched him with his ever cold stare, only once had Saemus gotten the head back did he give the young man the satisfaction of any noise. A low, "Mmm..."  almost a growl.

Saemus gyrated his hips down onto the Arishok's rod.  His legs shook more violently as he tried to hold themselves up on them by the heel of his boot. It didn't hold- Saemus impaled down hard on the Arishok's rod- letting out a loud yelp. His nails dug into the knees of the Qunari, hard enough to draw blood. His body shook violently and he was stunned, hunched over.

The impact made the Arishok growl loudly, he stayed firm- but his eyes rolled back in his head for just a moment. He remained silent. His eyes focused on the young man.

It took time for Saemus to recover- but he did. He had made up his mind when this began- he would see this through. He tensed his muscles and gave the Arishok's throbbing rod a tight squeeze.

The Arishok lifted a large hand and patted his hair very gently- impressed with his resolve. He took Saemus's body in his arms, and allowed the human to lean back and wrap his arms around his thick neck once more. "You have done well, Viddathari." The Arishok spoke into Saemus's ear.

The Arishok gripped onto Saemus's member with his large hand and rubbed the tip. He then pumped into him savagely. Saemus cried out loudly, writhing and bucking his hips against the Giant. The Arishok's own pleasure sounds consisted of grunts and growls, which were low and against the back of Saemus's neck.

Heat rose up from Saemus's loins, his body tensed up and arched back against the Arishok. He tilted his head back against the Qunari's broad shoulder, moaning against his neck- saliva strands dripping from his lips and down his chin. A convulsion shuddered throughout his whole body as he succumbed to climax in the Arishok's hold.

The Arishok's pillar-like arms wrapped around Saemus's body tightly. The embrace was so tight he could feel the Qunari's pectoral muscle ripple and flex against his back.  The Giant bent forward, a rough wet tongue was on Saemus's shoulder- then sharp teeth as the Arishok gritted into him. He let out a thunderous growl as mass amounts of thick fluid spurt up inside the Human.

Saemus's dark lashes fluttered and he expelled a lusty gasp as the Arishok filled him. He was exhausted, spent, his body had been pushed to the limit- and he was as limp as a ragdoll in the Arishok's arms. The Arishok had his eyes closed meditatively once he had released. He remained in this stoic, meditative state for a few minutes before pulling himself out of Saemus.

Semen and traces of blood slowly leaked out of Saemus and down his pale thighs. The Arishok slung the young man over his shoulder effortlessly and adjusted his clothing. He glanced up at the moon hanging overhead contemplatively- then to the compound guardsmen. A silent exchange.

Saemus was still reeling, breathing heavily and exhausted. The next thing he became aware of was that he been rested upon a comfortable heap of furs. He was too tired to notice the specifics of where he was- still within the Compound, it appeared. He felt the fur shift- through half lidded eyes he saw the familiar shape of the Arishok sitting at his side. His large hand came down and placed itself on Saemus's face.

"Rest, Viddathari. Remember this night."

So Long And Thanks For All The Trash

woot.

Valerie's face also adorned the t-shirts of teenage socialists across Thedas.

Like literally everyone in the circle tower died though?

I feel like I've done a really good thing today.

Yeah, especially Isabela. That bitch was LONG gone.

That's a roundabout way of saying "Hawke was a really angry drunk".

That's it. That's all the acknowledgement of this epic romance that we're going to get, and there wasn't even a sex scene in act 3. I fucking knew I should have gone with Fenris.

For example, in the pictured telling, Valerie is apparently a male mage for some fucked up reason?

The legend of the shittiest game ever fucking made.

FINALLY.

Wow this story was so complex and multilayered and ambiguous.

Mr. Tethras, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may The Maker have mercy on your soul.

Wait, she's a templar? I thought she was a "seeker of the chantry". She's not wearing templar armor or anything oh my god why am I even thinking about this.

"Because I really need to ask her what bars I should hit on Kirkwall pub crawl this year."

A violent amoral drunk with extremely poor impulse control and a predilection for inappropriate "humor". Truly, the greatest of all negotiators.

God, I hope so.

Yeah, there certainly are dark times ahead. Those dark times are the continuation of this franchise.

LELIANA? WHAT A SHOCKING REVEAL oh wait no I don't care at all.

Yeah, it's almost like Bioware is trying to avoid having to carry over player characters from the previous game into the sequels? Whoa.

What's the original plan? Buy Dragon Age III to find out! Or not! Who knows what plot threads actually matter in this franchise!

Look how great things worked out last time people put faith in Bioware.

Leliana stares at her copy of Dragon Age: Asunder and realizes that it's only going to get worse from here.

So okay, I could put in a youtube of the credits here with the Dragon Age 2 themesong by Grammy nominated band Florence and the Machine but I'm pretty sure nobody on this fucking planet actually wants to watch that so let's get to what really matters.

This was such a fucking turd. Eat shit, Bioware.