Friday, February 24, 2012

A Pox On Both Your Factions!

Holy shit, you mean the mysterious "O" from the kirkwall circle of mages that gave necrophile serial whore-killing blood mage Quentin all those books on necromancy that he used to reanimate the corpse he sewed our mom's head onto... was actually ORSINO?! What a shocking and unexpected twist!

This is some pretty foolproof, straightforward logic.

Oh man, what kind of awesome power will Kirkwall's first enchanter will unleash with the aid of a demon?

At last. The touch of a woman.

Damn, you lookin' a little ashy, son. You want some lotion for that?

Nice teeth, Jethro.

BEHOLD, MY FINAL FORM! *turns into a gross pig monster made out of rotting corpses*

So yeah, the first phase of the battle is just stabbing the shit out of him while he occasionally pukes on you.

And he's going down! It looks like there's a speedy victory in sight for our heroes!

Oops, wait. He just tore his own head off.

So you see all those skeletons spawning at the corners of the map? Yeah, once those spawn he jumps off the side of the level and hides underneath the platform while you fight a couple waves of skeletons. Then, once the waves are done, the head will jump up, giving you enough time to run over and hit it once before it jumps off the platform again.

I did this at least 4 times, probably more. I don't really remember.

Eventually once you knock off enough health, Orsino's head climbs back onto his body...
And refills his life gauge completely.

Oh no! It looks like Orsino has taken control of Valerie's very blood and used it to stunlock her as the rest of the party pounds the shit out of him! Can Valerie possibly make it out in time?

Oh. Well then.

Notice Aveline facing directly perpendicular from Orsino in this cinematic takedown.

And then valerie airholed the shit out of Orsino's face.

What's the matter, first enchanter? Hawke got your tongue?

Valerie watches in amazement as Tim Tebloodmage makes an 80 yard pass to the endzone-

And it's a fumble! Oh no!

Looks like this once promising bloodbowl player's career has been prematurely aborted, wouldn't you say, Valerie?
- Orsino was originally not really supposed to be a boss battle if you sided with the mages, though there would be a point where you learned that he was bffs with Quentin. He kind of implied that you could have then chosen to fight him, but basically that the Orsino battle was not originally there. The only reason why Orsino turns is for gameplay reasons. (They wanted another boss fight.)
-Orsino’s staff if called the staff of Violation because in the original game art, it looked like a big staff of a million penises.


  1. I was very drunk when I played this part. Like, upright only because I'm holding onto the mouse drunk. I played it, saved it, morning comes, I address my RAM, and what's there is so absurd I attribute it to some booze induced hallucination, because hey, it's too stupid even for this game, right?
    Next night I load up the save to see what's really happened. Welp.

    1. Are you saying it gets DUMBER than what we're looking at here? I mean, at this point I guess I shouldn't even be surprised, but there it is.

      oh boy i can't wait :D

  2. What the fuck. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
    Bioware, you already used that model and AI for the goddamned *flesh golem* at the end of Golems of Amgarrak. Which you deliberately rushed out to hype up DA2.