Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Goddamn You Half-Antivan Elves Do It To Me Everytime

Reminder that last act Anders was all optimistic about how helpful she would be after she turned down Ser Alrik.

Anyway, let's get over to the Viscount's Keep and check in on Aveline. But on the way in, we encounter an old friend!
No I'm not shopping in the avatar anymore. The joke's fucking dead, guys. Don't ask me to keep doing it.

Yeah, people in the lobby are still standing around asking "when do I get to see the Viscount?" and he's been dead for like 3 years!

Valerie takes this opportunity to practice her cool new signature hand gesture that she learned from Revolver Ocelot.

The only thing you're waxing is your own knob, to elven tranny porn.

What is it you do again? (Besides buy me games on Steam HEYO!)

Damn, the ownage isn't stopping!

Same, but each time I play this game.

Alright, now that we've crushed Branternet Kraken's ego, let's check in on how married life is treating Aveline.
He'd have to be to put up with you.

Spill the deets! Is he a Deep Stalker or a Nug, if you get what Valerie is saying?

Thank Christ, it was bad enough having to listen to it happening.

 Bee Puke

Fuck this. Let's get out of here. As we wander hightown, we're stopped by a bargain basement Puss-in-Boots from Shrek sounding motherfucker.
I fucking hate Antivans SO MUCH.


Wow I wonder who that could spoiler it's Zevran

Into some shithole clearing with a tent and a wagon in it?

Fine I'll do whatever you want just stop fucking talking.

Valerie Hawke can only do two things: quip and kill.

Those of you expecting a tense interrogation full of subtle misdirections will be sorely disappointed.

So we head off to the Dalish Shithole on Sundermount.
Well, it is, but you can call me "Valerie". Enchante, madame. May I compliment how beautifully your pigtails offset the Krallice logo tattooed on your face?

But, business before pleasure. Valerie takes the straightforward instead of the flirtatious conversation path. (There is a flirtatious path for this convo.) (You can never talk to this character again in the game.)

Try not to look so fucking smug about it, Christ.

Well, isn't that convenient?

No, but it is something I'd expect from a badly written moron trapped in Ser David Gaider's idiot plot.

She says this like there's anything in this game that could possibly pose a challenge to getting to him.

Why are you complaining man, the quicker this quest is over the better.

And sure enough, we run into a trash mob of darkspawn, including an ogre.
Needless to say, they posed a true challenge to the party.

This is what happens when an ogre explodes, it's perhaps even lazier than what happens when a person explodes. Also note how Valerie is floating a foot off the ground.

So we head inside of a cave full of spiders. Yay. Anyway, look who we run into at the end!
I had to play this fight twice because the first time I was so far ahead of the rest of the party that they got stuck behind the invisible wall that blocks off this area once the Varterral spawns and while it's fully possible to solo it, it'd take longer and thus be more time spent on this terrible game.

Anyway we kill it. Again.
So, this is what Zevran used to look like:

This is what he looks like now:
I hate you.

If by "helped" you mean "was recruited and then never used in the party ever," then yes, you have an accurate description of what happened in my DA:O playthrough.

The Antivan Crows are a society of assassins and smugglers that apparently make up the entirety of the Antivan economy. Let's be clear about this: the Hispanic society as depicted in Thedas is entirely based around crime.

Possibly as a result of the Kansas City incident, it was widely believed in the criminal community that Plissken was dead. This is a running gag in Escape from New York: "I heard you were dead" (an homage to the John Wayne film Big Jake). In Escape from L.A. the recurring joke is changed to "I thought you'd be taller."
That's right folks, not even Escape from New York, Bioware's referencing Escape from LA here.

Zevran's chief storytelling hook is that the Crows are trying to kill him for being an incompetent assassin, despite the fact that everyone they send after him turns up dead. This would lead one to believe that Zevran is in actuality the only competent member of the Crows, past or present.

Hahaha damn! Ice burn!

Zevran doesn't care how hard the boypussy's been plowed. All he needs is a warm hole to stick it in.

The only thing I'm worried about is how much longer this quest is going to take.

So I can take you to Nuncio... or I can take you to Nuncio?

God, I hate you.

Despite Zevran happily saying he'll go to see Nuncio, the only way you can get him to give you the best dagger in the vanilla campaign is to let him go. If it wasn't for that, I would have killed him on the spot.

I hope to never see you again.

Valerie and company head to the wounded coast to catch up with Nuncio and collect their payment for services rendered.

Except Zevran, apparently.

Speak of the devil!

Technically they haven't even tried to kill me yet.

Don't try to pretend spree killing isn't the only thing that can fill the gaping hole in your life.

I wish.

He doesn't even throw the knife at the guy he's talking to!

Holy SHIT these fuckin faces.

Time to count the money I made from trash mob death.

I guess if you haven't been doing it nonstop for the past 35 hours it isn't quite such a tedious slog.

God I hope not.