Do The Bartrand

We enter Bartrand's house and find it's full of corpses! And not the kind of corpses Valerie makes either!

Nobody kills trash mobs in this town but Valerie Hawke, and she will not tolerate this competition! (Alternate caption: "You know what else isn't stiff yet? Me.")

Fortunately, there's a shitload of trash mobs of crazed guards and shades in Bartrand's house anyway, which coincidentally has the exact same layout as Danarius's house. Who knew?

So our heroes make their way to Bartrand's study.

"Besides me and my buddies going on a killing spree, we already knew about that part."

Well the guards are all dead, so you should probably make a run for it before the next wave spawns out of thin air.

I wonder what a cursed lyrium idol's voice sounds like. If it drove Bartrand this crazy, I'm guessing a cross between Ke$ha and Tom Waits.

Time for another huge fucking trash mob of guards!

Unfortunately, the game doesn't give you the option to just kill Bartrand outright and skip another interminable fucking cutscene.

Okay i know it's catchy, but you really need to stop listening to Teenage Dream on infinite loop.

I'm pretty sure that we killed way more of Bartrand's guards than he did, but yeah, blame him for everything.

Okay, but what if we bring Bartrand over to Orzammar so he can buy his way to the top of the list for a lyrium transfusion much like the Orlesian noble Ser Stefan Yobbes, what then?

Can we focus on the killing yet?

Dude, your family house hasn't fallen yet, your brother's standing right in front of you.

"I'm going to get you the best treatment money can buy so I can kill you."

Instead, he's locked himself in the house and started killing and eating his servants, how can you stay mad at a guy like that?

Valerie flashes back to the time she stabbed Wesley in the heart and hopes she'll get to do it again.

Varric: +15 rivalry