Saturday, January 28, 2012

The Vapidcaust

So the rally's over, and Anders has some choice words for Aveline:
Yeah, it's always good to see an independent woman in places of power, right grrl?

Actually, the process is gonna be stalled as long as Valerie wants to spend her time running around killing Dog LordsSlaver Thugs until she decides to do the next plot-mandatory quest.

At absolutely no point for the rest of the game is there anyone depicted fighting for the Viscount's seat.

Take that, vapid!

So Valerie heads back to her mansion with her party of Aveline, Merrill and Anders, but Anders isn't very happy to see Merrill turning up in his fuckpad.
Oh merrill, so comically retardednaive!

Yes! Hell yes! Anders owning the fuck out of vapids left and right! It's a goddamn vapidcaust in here!

So Anders gets Merrill out of the house and starts complaining about Valerie letting the poors in.
Dude, you're a supernaturally possessed templar spree-killer from Darktown, I don't think Merrill's the only problem here.

We kill all of them!

Hey, I know you've been crashing here for like 3 years, but it finally occurred to me to give you a key. Sorry about that oversight!

It means more than I can say that I didn't have to experience another 3 years worth of non-plot in this game.

FADE TO BLACK. This is the closest thing to a sex scene in act 3. This romance chain was a fucking ripoff.

Anyway, after their torrid lovemaking, Hawke hooks up with Merrill and Fenris and we're off to the races to track down some trash mobs to kill and plot items to fetch. Not content to intellectually devastate Aveline, Anders decides it's time to find out Fenris's opinions on Meredith as well.
Reminder that in Fenris's worldview, madness = mages breathing

Come to think of it, Meredith does look rather familiar...

Her casting a spell.

Damn, it looks like Anders is the one who ended up getting owned this time!

Suddenly, Valerie is stopped by a random passer-by.
Are you a cop?

That's cool, are sure you're not a cop?

Seriously, if I ask if you're a cop 3 times, you have to tell me. That's the law.

Combat is ridiculously easy with 3 allies and you want more? That's just cruel, Valerie.

Messenger? Get with the times grandma, everyone in Thedas uses Nuggle+ chat now.

Hawke promptly receives a letter with 2 addresses. Her mission? Kill every templar she finds at them.


  1. Video games have a formula to them: Time x Talent = Quality. In Dragon Age 2, time was 8 months and talent was a theoretical number that is as close as you can be to zero without being zero.

    1. I dunno, someone's gotta have has a measurable degree of talent to copy and paste maps over and over again. Maybe they got someone to turn the computer on for them.

    2. I have to disagree even with that, I'm sure the even the computers themselves have turn on/off timers and there was already coding in place to copy/paste the maps without input. I'm thoroughly convinced that only the writers work there anymore and that's just spending the whole day performing "intellectual" fellatio.