Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Who Needs DPS When You're DTF?

Valerie's got her door open, her SNES in full view, and she's ready to get it on!
You're supposed to say that after the disappointing sexual performance, actually.

Well, let's put it this way: the time you spend pinning paintings of Hawke all over the walls of your bedroom could probably be spent far more productively killing templars.

Damn Valerie, way to blow your image as an independent strong black woman who dont need no man.

How to romance a lady
1. Tell her your second personality doesnt approve of her.
2. Refer to your feelings for her as "an obsession".
3. Accuse her of being a slut.

An alcoholic and a compulsive liar. Valerie's a real prize!

4. Get her in the mood by talking about what it was like in the concentration camps.

Damn, Anders is ripe for the door routine. Half the groundwork is already in place!

"What a wicked game we play" -me, to the Bioware forums

Personally, the rule I most cherish breaking is the "No Shilling" rule of the Something Awful forums. (Thanks, Internet Kraken!)

5. Try to fuck her on the first date.

If a normal life consists of being attacked by roaming bands of dog lords every time you go to the corner store for a gallon of milk I can hardly imagine how life on the run from the chantry could be any worse.

Is there any, and I mean any, question how valerie's going to answer this?

Hell yes, a woman who knows her place: in the kitchen Duke Dog

And now for a complete 180:

*yyyAWWWWN* Wow that was great. Really good. Y'know I've been thinking, my whole living situation isn't working out. I've been meaning to bring this up before now but,

6. After sex, immediately say "I love you" and ask if you can move into her place.

"Haha oh no. I don't think I'll be coming to see you. because then, I'd have to walk out *points to door* that door, and you might never see me again..."

I hope you die. I hope we both die.


  1. Speaking of insinuations regarding Isabella it's a good thing he runs a clinic because he'll want to book an appointment with himself after tonight, going by previous scenes.

  2. Oh lord this is the worst thing. This scene. Right here. I always knew the Bioware writers were broken, but this just underlines their awful, awful romantic ideals.

  3. Where's Sandal? I'm expecting him to barge in when Anders is having... difficulty, shouting "Enchantment!"

  4. Do people really like this sequence with Anders? The player character is basically throwing themselves him and he just shuts down at every step of the way and goes UH ARE YOU REALLY SURE ABOUT THIS, LIKE, REALLY REALLY SURE? It's like he honestly doesn't want to sleep with Hawke but is too spineless to actually say so. I bet he cries while they grind polygons.

  5. And I thought the dialog in the Prequels were bad... Ugh. This is NOT how you do a romance scene, Bioware!