Monday, January 30, 2012

A Touching Family Reunion pt. 2

After Fenris realizes what's happening here, he quickly moves on to the most important course of action in this situation:
Assigning blame.

I never asked for this.

For our readers at home, this is a subtle literary device called foreshadowing that you may have seen before in this LP.

Actually this dipshit was too busy drinking to get it up when Valerie was hella DTF so she ended up hooking up with Anders instead. I think everyone was the loser in this situation.

Calm down Fenris, when he said you "Suck dick like a pro" he meant it as a compliment. Some people...

(Sighs) The game is "shit".

And now begins the multi-wave battle against Danarius.
The first wave is slavers.

The next wave is shades and demons. See Danarius in the background? Even if we rushed him, he'd still be invincible because he has a forcefield that won't drop until you've killed all the trash mobs.

Only once you get to the skeleton wave can you fight Danarius. The climax of Fenris's entire character arc is a fight against 3 mobs of the same enemies you've been fighting since Act 1.

And now, the heartwrenching climax:
Aw yeah! Can you feel the fuckin' catharsis y'all?

Fenris sure can't because he's mad as hell.

Look, it's bad enough you sold him out to slavers, but continually reminding him that he has the same name as the frontman for 30 Seconds to Mars? That's just cruel.

Bein a magister, smokin fat blood mage kush... the stankest of all highs.

Ahahaha yes Anders that's the natural conclusion to come to here.

You don't even know how real it gets on the streets of Tevinter.

Oh that Fenris, such a rascal! Always wanting to murder his family!

I will... for a price.

I mean, look at her, she's obviously not carrying any decent unique loot.

Valerie's facade cracks for a moment as she remembers her own diseased sister coughing up darkspawn jizz in the Deep Roads and her zombie mom pole-dancing in the Darktown sewers.

IVarric, the party's resident expert on sibling-murder, chimes in.

lol alright which one of you works at Bioware


I... always asked for this?


Yeah, ghost tattoos, sweet AOE lyrium damage and the ability to rip out people's organs all combined with a homicidal rage warring with a deeply ingrained slave mentality is so much better than having to shoulder the burden of making decisions for yourself.

One time Fenris made a turkey sandwich and the mayonnaise had spoiled. He blamed that on magic too.

Fenris gets as autistic as Merrill once the f-word comes into the conversation.

Okay Anders, you? Really not helping.

Yeah. You said that literally the first fucking time we met you.

Okay, we'll get right on that. But first, Valerie has some important business to take care of.


  1. Acts I and II: Fenris barks at mages and whines about being chased by a deranged rapist.
    Act III: Fenris barks at mages and whines about being safe from said deranged rapist.
    Character development at its finest!

  2. There is a 'decision' in this quest, where you can give Fenris back to his master, which apparently breaks him so hard that he just goes along willingly with it.

    This gets you friendship with Anders and gets rid of Fenris. The only other way to get rid of Fenris is later on in the game... shit remember in DA:O how you could just say "Hey, hey, get out" to a party member? well all except Alistair and Dog (yes you can tell Morrigan to piss off after she joins up)

    1. Even better, by giving Fenris back to his loving master Anders will gain +5 Friendship while everyone else will gain +5/10 Rivalry.
      For the record, you can get +10 Rivalry with Varric by not giving money to a street urchin in Act II. That's how much everyone cares for Fenris.

  3. Why didn't you just sell Fenris back into slavery? You could have gotten rid of him forever right there!

    1. Because 1.) I don't take reader input, 2.) I don't take reader input, and 3.) I still don't take reader input.

    2. That doesn't actually answer the question. The question was, why didn't you do it? Not why didn't you ask the readers for their opinions on what to do.

      Unless the answer is "To spite the readers" or "Because Fenris is one of the people I'm bringing to the final battle fuck off"

    3. He most likely wanted to showcase how Fenris is an insufferable fuckup in every possible way.
      "BAAAW lyrium markings"? It turns out he asked for them.
      "BAAAW Danarius will find me"? He still whines even after Danarius's death.
      So yeah, to spite the readers.

  4. I find it funny that the guy from the pro-slavery empire is rocking one hell of a Lincoln-beard.

    Should have been able to have the dwarf finish him with crossbow from behind. Just call him Varric Wilkes Booth.

  5. What I remember best from this scene is loot. Glorious loot. Stacked in neat piles of out of focus glimmer there in the background. Luring me. Tempting me.

    And then this asshole wants to leave and when we return - nothing. All cleaned out. Asshole.

  6. I'm surprised no one so far has mentioned how messed up Danarius's shoulders look.

  7. I am constantly made aghast at how every moment in this game is, when taken individually, no worse than any other part, but when they are experienced consecutively become fractally worse, each becoming as terrible as everything else that came before it combined, only to add to the terribleness of what will follow.