Friday, January 27, 2012

The Qunari Qonundrum: Epilogue

Another vapid bites the dust.
I'll miss you. Come back a visit sometime?

You be strong, you survive... You stay alive, no matter what occurs! I will find you. No matter how long it takes, no matter how far, I will find you.

Damn, this is a dramatic camera angle.

I was slippin into the Viscount's Keep had on my leather and my swordaxe had a little general tsos sauce on it I didnt give a fuck. I walked up to a fine ass bitch. Her fucking pussy was barely visible beneath her little skirt. I could smell her fucking menstrual blood caked on the Tome of Koslun. Her god damn eyebrows were clipping the fuck out and she didnt even care. I walked up, slapped the fucking Tome out of her hands. her botyfriend came up to me. I fucked him. I fucked his severed head right on the throne. They were all watching me fuck this guy but my eyes never left the girls face. I grabbed that bitch then just left. I walked backwards out of the Keep.

Valerie holds back tears as she watches the noblest man she has ever known leave Kirkwall.

No, the qunari just took a smoke break, they'll be back in like 15 minutes. You can tell because the cutscene team forgot to despawn the ones standing directly behind you.

Try not to look too happy about it, bitch.

And all I had to do was betray my one-time fuck buddy's trust and surrender her to militaristic religious zealots intent on subjugation!

"Yeah, why the FUCK was the crowd made up of the same 3 character models copy-pasted?"




lol cool moon god you guys, sike *surfs away on priceless treasure*

Of course he's telling the truth, Gaider simply couldn't make DA3 happen without his precious pet fuck-liker to up the sexual tension to delicious levels of depravity!

I need to stop playing this game.

It's not about revenge, it's about nothing! It's a game about nothing, Jerralde!

Gaider simply couldn't make DA3 happen without pandering to the bioware forum posters who want a Varric/Tali romance when the Normandy crashlands on the mysterious planet Thedas!

Yeah, that crossover was a brilliant idea, thanks for noticing.

Really? Because it's exactly what I thought it would be: SHIT.

Yeah, Valerie's pretty great.

I thought that already happened last chapter?

I want to be a Viscount. And a dragon. Either/or, really.

Funny, I've noticed the same thing about this LP.


  1. I've been waiting for this!
    I know you already mentioned it in this update, but I wanted to point out that the crowd is REALLY made of the same models copypasted everywhere. Look at the screen where Merebitch scowls at Hawke--you can spot
    - two twin brothers wearing the same clothes
    - two twin sisters wearing the same clothes
    - that man who got his neck snapped last update

    1. ...erm, no twin sisters, I'm afraid. Just two pairs of twin brothers.

  2. I'd akin this game to the human centipede where the first act is having to eat something vile and each subsequent act is you having to eat the excrement of the previous act. It is unfortunate that some souls in this world would find that kind of experience darker, sexier, and better.

    1. Careful with what you say. You make it sound like anything you do in Act I is of consequence to Act II and so on. And we all know that's not how the Gaider rolls.

  3. It's amazing how right after you get to make the first real choice in hours of gamepl- waves of trash mobs they straight up tell you that whatever you decided didn't matter at all and BigBoats escaped punishment anyway. Bioware Choice!

    1. It's so that when she turns up in DA3 (why make new characters when you can recycle old 'favourites'?) they can just go 'LOL no she didn't really die see she got away, just because you want something to happen in the game doesn't mean it will just like real life! :winksmiley: :laughsmiley: :devilsmiley:"

      Fuck you, Bioware.

  4. Traxus, we wouldn't want to interrupt the story that Gaider is trying to tell by introducing player choice at this late stage in Dragon Age!