The Ecstasy Of Trash

Speaking of showing affection in front of others, we decide to check in on Varric Gaider and see if he's written any erotica to commemorate Valerie and Isabela's torrid, sticky affair.

Merrill accidentally set the alienage on fire again?

Valerie's alcoholism is evident to everyone around her.

Varric can't do an intervention and a quest introduction at the same time!

And conveniently enough, it's right across the street from Valerie's house!

lol. Alright, which one of you guys works for Bioware?

And so Valerie and Varric spend the rest of the afternoon binge drinking and drunkenly stagger over to Bartrand's once the sun goes down.

I'm so excited about this impending attempt to murder my closest living relative!

It's important to note that literally every single person in this segment explodes like this when you kill them. with a crossbow.

It's time for Varric to breach that door.

It's cool as hell how he's staring intently at his crossbow instead of what he's supposedly aiming it at.

BOOM! HEADSHOT!

BOOM! HEADSHOT!

And who wouldn't be? All that chest hair...

Wait a second, something's funny here...

Because see, it's kind of complicated but it turns out that there is no "Champion" and Varric actually is Keyser Soze and-

AND THEN THE FUCKING ENSUED

I want to know every position, how long you lasted and whether Bartrand's cut or uncut.

Hopefully the gory details means everyone else got disemboweled and this game is over.