Thursday, January 26, 2012

The Qunari Qonundrum pt.2

Alright, let's go check on the mages, who are mysteriously in the middle of Hightown instead of the Gallows all of a sudden.

Why, who's this distinguished looking older gentleman?

Oooh, and so polite too! Anders better hope Valerie doesn't have some daddy issues!


I thought this was Alain, the dude from the blood mage quest in Act 1, but he shows up in act 3 so I guess it was just a different mage using the exact same character model.

You told them to run, but you did not warn them about stairs.

That's right, this handsome elven gent is none other than Kirkwall's first enchanter! You may remember him from when Valerie turned into him after entering Feynriel's dreams. I wish I didn't, because that quest was bullshit and there wasn't even any good loot in it.

Can you feel the love tonight?

Oh yeah, tellin' it like it is! Valerie's a take charge kind of woman comfortable in positions of authority, whether in a Qunari invasion, or in the bedroom (which might be the same thing in her case! Hey, sexy...)

Yeah, "This is your city as well as mine." Shut up bitch.

Mainly because she's too busy complaining that you're still alive.

Okay, here's my plan:

See above.

Hahaha but seriously, what are they up to? Despite telling me that that they're gonna burn down the city because they're mad they can't find a book. What do they really want here?

Shut up bitch.

Dude, it's just a bunch of chill bros waiting for the doors to open for the Kirkwall date of the Affliction 9:34 Dragon tour.

Wow, it's almost like they've been planning to occupy this city for years! Who would have thought?

Shut up bitch.

"We need a distraction! I propose a head-on assault!"

And with that, Orsino dashes off with his tentacle rape staff to distract the fuck out of some niggas.

"Uh, dude, we've been waiting in line for a while here, you can't just cut in and-"

"AAAAGH! You burned my fake ID, bro!"

Orsino has no sympathy for underaged hooligans attempting to illicitly purchase alcohol at a Pennywise concert, regardless of whether or not the profits are going to provide aid to Fereldan refugees.

Understandably, these young concertgoers are less than pleased.

Orsino causes a riot and Hawke and her friends sneak into the sold-out concert without paying a scalper. Everything went better than expected...

So let's check out whats going on in the Viscount's keep:


Yo, see you started the party without Valerie. Where's the keg at?

Yeah, I heard you were brutally murdering the citizens of Kirkwall unprovoked and I ran here as fast as I could to get in on the fun.

This is basically the only proof the game needs to offer that Hawke is the best, most important person in Kirkwall.

Aw, and I was really psyched to wreck Kirkwall, too.

Yeah, I'm disappointed with the anticlimax here too.

They'll say "Isabela loves to fuck," because damn, she does! It's true!

Yeah it is, you're really fuckin dumb.



Yeah you won't, because you're gonna get fuckin beat to death by the Qunari lol.

Wow, we're witnessing a first here, Isabela (who loves to fuck, btw) not wanting burly men to grope her all over and have their way with her.

Yes I have.

This is the crowning moment of Valerie's existence.


  1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    1. Stop posting spoilers, thanks in advance.

  2. That was satisfying. The only way to treat Isabela.

    Does she ever say why she stole the book? Was she hoping to get ransom for it? Sell it to a merchant for 7 silver? What?

    1. If I recall correctly, Hawke could ask that question during the last quest with Isabela. Apparently, Isabela stole it because that's what pirates do.

  3. Props to Bioware for giving you the choice, at least. It's sad that the greatest joy the game gives you comes from abandoning the characters it unintentionally makes you abhor.

    Enjoyed reading through the old thread, glad to see you're continuing this.

    1. Behold: the one instance in DA2 where the player actually gets to choose how to resolve something.

  4. She probably just turned around because the books too heavy to carry. Good grief that thing is huge. It could kill a cat if you dropped it.

    And thank you Orsino for your incredibly selfless, as well as pointless sacrifice. Assuming you don't survive rushing headlong into a Qunari mob because you're not a member of Hawke's party.

    We're certainly seeing a lot of NPCs go away in some or another fashion. I hope this rate of attrition is stays consistent.

  5. "You are helping" is the single best line in the game. It's all downhill from here.

  6. Awesome.
    I knew you were going to do this since you were all Hawke/Arishok, but it still felt incredibly good.
    For the record, Isabela only comes back if she's Hawke's friend/rival. I never had her in my party for Act I and had to check the wiki in order to increase her rivalry before the end. Oh well, it was more than worth it~

  7. Okay, THAT was funny.

    Also that book is fucking huge.

  8. Aw, you missed out on, like, the bestest boss fight in the gaming history. I really cannot understand why Bioware didn't make it mandatory just like every other boss fight. Or just fight.

    1. According to Buff Butler, who made the combat vid I posted in the SA thread, the solo fight consists of 40 minutes of kiting the Arishok around pillars while your DLC dog chips away at his health.

    2. But it's all worth it to slightly change two lines of dialogue at the start of Act 3 and have the Inquisitor Chick call it "romantic" when she hears from Varric about how Hawke really did beat the Arishok in Single Combat. (she will be a romanceable party member in DA3).

      But yeah I don't know how people actually win that fight without dropping the difficulty to casual or using the fetchquest XP exploit to over-level [which people should do anyway; it's the only way to make the myriad trash mob encounters end even slightly quicker].

      Selling out Isabella's way funnier though; she's redundant to Valerie anyway.

    3. If you're not playing on casual already then you're doing something wrong. Well, besides playing the game at all.