Wednesday, January 25, 2012

The Qunari Qonundrum pt.1

Alright, forget Isabela, let's go deal with the Arishok.
hahaha eat shit Aveline.

That bridge is fucking burned; don't come back bitch.

I do it because I admire you so much Kiddo

Aveline, have you really not figured out how this is gonna play out?

I don't care either way, but let's at least pretend Valerie's here to help Aveline.

Seriously, when we've got Templars and Chantry committing murders left and right I think we can allow the Qunari a couple.

Can I stab them and just get this over with?

Ah, those silly city elves. Always getting raped!

Kill all cops.

Sorry Valerie's not gonna back up your underlings on that whole "that slutty fucking elf was asking for it with those pointy knife-ears" defense.

This game is a plague. Uninstall.exe is the cure.

Do you really think you're gonna intimidate him?

Please tell me it's "burn Kirkwall to ashes" Praying

Oh yeah, this bitch knows what's coming.

Iassume this translates to "shit on these niggas".


Aveline you're only making this worse.

This operates on the faulty assumption that any fight in this game poses a challenge.

Come on Arishok, I thought we had something.

Oh, alright, fine...

So we make it out of the compound to find Kirkwall already in ruins.

The same thing I dream about every night: wiping Kirkwall off the face of Thedas.

The only thing I care about is this game ending.

As Valerie and Aveline recover from this shocking and unexpected turn of events, the rest of the party catches up to them.
More like you were afraid they cucked you.

Probably from the day he set foot in this miserable shithole. I know I would have.

And with that, the zero-challenge slaughter commences.

But wait! Who's this?
It's the Gay Wardens, angered to find the the Kirkwall pride parade is being protested by the West-Borough Qunari church!

Oh come on Bethany, are you still holding that whole "brought you into the Deep Roads to die of the blight" thing against Valerie?

How fitting we should meet here, where you live.

Yeah no one expected the warlike race of religious fanatics to actually attack the city after so long!


Yeah, whatever.

Alright, with that touching family reunion out of the way, let's get to High Town.
Oh shit, party at the frat house tonight!

"I think that if rape is inevitable, relax and enjoy it." Wise words from Bobby Knight.

Anyway, let's break this party upOHSHIT
Time to party with Saarebas!

You may be wondering why he has 2 different colors of blood. One is for Muslim, one is for borg.



Cool, I have no clue who you are.

Oh, this is that crazy bitch everyone's been talking about for the entire act.

DURRR, no shit!

Hell yeah, you tell her Valerie.



  1. Hopefully there will be awesome make-up sex with the Arishok.

  2. Oh hey, it's the character who's supposed to be the main antagonist of the game, nice of you to show up when 2/3rds of the game is over. Hey, does this mean we'll finally be getting some sort of plot?

    Ah hahahahahahahaha

  3. So wait, wait, hang on. Why was it so bad for those elves to join up with the Qunari again? They weren't anybody important, otherwise the rape wouldn't have been ignored like they said it was. And they would have had names. So what's the big fucking deal? Why were the protagonists so ready to start slitting throats over a few stupid elves converting to a new stupid religion or whatever?

    ...Oh never mind I figured it out. The writers needed a reason to start a city-wide attack by the MuslimBorg so they made some shit up and had all the characters wildly overreact so that the next thing they splooged onto the script can happen. Ugh.

    1. Because they murdered the guards that raped their sister and the Qunari won't give them up to the law.

    2. If they were telling the truth, I imagine this could be a side quest that bioware has done before involving investigation to learn information to rightfully judge whether or not the elves are lying about their reasons before punishing them. After all would the Arishok WANT two lying killers to join his religion?

      Of course that assumed Bioware knew what a quest that DIDN'T involve combat was (or that they could even rehash an old KOTOR/NWN/pretty sure Baldurs Gate did it too Quest) and would of course get in the way of their storytelling

    3. ... how many guards has Hawke killed by now, directly or indirectly? Individual lives are so worthless in Kirkwall that I can't really believe that the death of one (or however many it was, I've already forgotten) guard would be enough to cause such a fuss. This whole setup feels like the writers going BECAUSE I SAID SO and moving on instead of creating a believable scenario that would give us the same end result. Maybe it comes across differently if you're actually playing the game? I'unno.

    4. Yeah, but everyone else reacts to it in a normal, sane fashion. Hawke makes shitty jokes and people are so dumbfounded that they just let her go because their minds cannot cope with being forced to confront such a terrible person.