Wednesday, November 30, 2011

David Gaider's From Hell pt.2

This post sequence-breaks in the interest of wrapping up the quest promptly, so Isabela's gonna be in some of the screenshots despite the fact that I haven't recruited her yet.

So we head to the warehouse in search of some clues as to the missing slutwife.

Oh look, a mysterious mage.

The blood mage summons a bunch of shades and a desire demon, which is basically a horned purple slut wearing the Venus suit from Dead or Alive Xtreme Beach Volleyball, then he runs off while we kill them.

Thanks Fenris, remarkably insightful, can't wait to hear you whine more about mages.

Oh don't mind me, just keeping a magical rune design inside my bloody burlap sack of dismembered body parts. Don't want to misplace it, y'know?

Yeah, let's just haul this bag of severed hands and bones around Kirkwall, nothing could possibly go wrong with this plan.

So we head over to the gallows and toss Emeric a bag of decaying limbs.
Damn, this guy is such a quitter; he hasn't even bothered to do forensic analysis yet. Is this what passes for criminal investigations in Kirkwall? Horatio Caine would never stand for this shoddy work.

Valerie is stunned into silence by the fact that someone has actually called her on her bullshit.

We flee the scene before we have to find out whether he meant the murders or our flippant disrespect for the dead.

Up next, let's check in with the world's greatest husband:
Um dude. Is your eye okay?

Wow. Way to let him down gently, Valerie.

Oh yeah, so leave Hawke with something that will link her to Ninette's death instead. Real considerate. Asshole.

That's cool, I have arrangements to make too. Namely, finding a store that'll let me pawn evidence in a murder case.

David Gaider's From Hell pt.1

With "romance" on her mind after her hot and heavy chat session with Fenris, Valerie decides to seek out the Templar she suspects of boning Ninette.
Naturally, he's getting the shit kicked out of him by a trash mob of bandits.

Innuendo is wasted on the pious mind of Emeric.

Hey, I know some very "adventurous" older women...

Cool, do the other 2 women have families interested in paying me as well?

Emeric is like the only character in this game that is actively confused by these horrific attempts at humor.

I don't know why you're being so smug about this, Valerie. If you have to actually take the time to explain the joke it clearly wasn't a very good one.

"...and also of listening to your japery."

It'd be really cool if he meant that he was going to hang himself because he unironically used a Lethal Weapon reference in a game made in 2011.

I should have thought twice before committing to playing this game the whole way through.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

My Disease Is Doing Push-Ups In The Parking Lot

Speaking of angry, let's check in on our favorite elven cosplay prostitute and see how Fenris is doing!
Valerie's a little more of a bubblegum vodka, redbull and cranberry girl herself.

No Valerie, you're supposed to get drunk then start slutting it up, not the other way around.

Compliment? Bro, this is an invitation because she is DTF.

Awwww yeaaaah, bottoms up! Let me get some of tha-

 NOT Awesome!

Well, I dunno how small it is, but you definitely had a better chance of "taking pleasure" in something before you threw out the rest of the booze.

Fenris doesn't know how close he's coming to enabling Valerie's raging alcoholism. I mean, Bethany's taken to hiding the mouthwash back at the house at this point.

Valerie uses humor to distract herself from the gaping void she feels inside.

That's right, laugh at my pain. Fucker.

It doesn't really, but if he sticks around Valerie may get a chance to raid the liquor cabinet.


 Bee Puke

Hawke's Gotta Get Paid: Part The Second

So as we walk out of the brothel, we notice a familiar face:
That's right, it's our old friend Athenril!

And now: Hawke's gotta get paid, part 2

Silver? Bitch I can get silver off a corpse, you best be paying gold.

Yeah, the elf may be attempting to jew me, but money's money.

As we leave, Merrill asks Anders how Ser Pounce-a-lot got knighted.
Ha! Ha! I'm using the anachronistic pop culture reference!

No but there was a pop tart and a rainbow and America ruins another perfectly good Japanese meme

Then once we get to the docks, Merrill strikes up a conversation with Anders about the Grey Wardens.
Actually, you didn't, because that only happens if you used the Dalish elf origin and this game's backstory uses a human noble playthrough (elves are homo).


Some time passes and we overhear a scuffle:
Errors made by characters (possibly incompetence by the gamemakers): Athenril says that her men have already gone missing when she hires Hawke, however when Hawke arrives at the docks later that night, a small boy has just been attacked by a trash mob of bandits.

Valerie isn't even listening to this little shithead as her attention is drawn by the sweet sweet loot.

(His mom's dead. Oops!)

Cry me a river, bitch.

What a coincidence, I don't care what you're going to do now!

Ah yes, casual racism.

Make money money make money money Crazy Guy