Saturday, November 19, 2011

The Dalish Mistake: Epilogue

When we last left our heroes, they'd summoned samurai gmilf from a magical necklace only for her to spout a bunch of cryptic horseshit before turning into a dragon and flying off.
And just think, if I hadn't summoned her, the debt wouldn't matter because she'd be dead.

Whatever, let's get back to Kirkwall. When you haven't been where I've been, understand where I'm coming from; when you're up on the hill in your big home, I'm out here risking my dome, just for a bucket or a fast ducat, just to stay alive and yo, I gotta say fuck it.

On the way into Kirkwall, we stop to show Merrill the absolute shithole she'll be living in. Welcome to the Chełfmno concentration camp, bitch.

Brown? I thought you were a PS3 fan, Merrill!

You think you've got it bad? Try being a 69 pound dalish cutter.

Valerie attempts to drop a hint that Merrill might be better off associating with "her kind".

Uh-oh, she took it the wrong way.

Not wanting to cause a scene, Valerie decides to play nice with Merrill.

This whole retard moe thing is getting old already, I can't wait to see how I'll feel about it 20 hours from now.

Suddenly, Valerie realizes that she just brought a emotionally insecure dalish apostate fucking blood mage into the city in full view of the city guards, and if Merrill has a nervous breakdown and summons a wrath demon in the middle of the alienage it's not gonna take too long for the templars to figure out how she got in there. Resigning herself to the knowledge that she can't let Merrill out of her sight any time in the near future, Valerie sends Aveline on ahead to the barracks to make room for Merrill in her party.

Stop playing this game.

Yeah, being able to nuke stuff with gigantic fuckoff explosions sucks, I'd really rather be able to hit stuff with a sword and maybe occasionally hit stuff with a shield!

Has it ever occurred to Merrill that Bethany might be diabetic? god, so insensitive.

Okay, I accidentally deleted the screenshot, but I swear to god, Merrill's response to this is "I'd name mine 'feathers'."

We head to Viscount's Keep to get paid.

Wait... you didn't explain this to him beforehand?

Oh Christ.

"You're a maverick, Vallen, a loose cannon! A guardsman on the edge!"
"But I get results."
"That's it, I want your sword and shield on my desk tomorrow morning!"

I'm not getting paid, am I?

Yeah Valerie, everyone knows what's really charming is to be as smug as humanly possible like you.

Aside from the fact that i'm still playing this game?

I'm not getting paid.

This was a complete waste of time.

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