Sunday, November 20, 2011

Finally, It's Happened To Me

Before raiding the Amell manor, Valerie decides to head to the dalish camp and try to buy a dalish sword and shield for Aveline, figuring that the slavers will be too busy laughing at her to notice Valerie sneaking behind them and slitting their throats. However, along the way, she is waylaid by an unexpected encounter: a traveling merchant set upon by spiders.
It's important to note that I got more experience for finding a crafting material before the fight that I did from killing the entire mob of spiders.

Valerie Hawke: never misses an opportunity to kick someone when they're down.

Valerie's into some kinky shit if you get her liquored up enough, but even she'd think twice about hitting on a Qunari.

Oh, you mean that kind of courting. That's considerably less interesting.

"Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic." -JK Gibson, Harry Neuromancer and the Goblet of Nanotech

As the "militant Islamic Borg" of Thedas (copyright David Gaider), Qunari do not tolerate the Dwarven Jew bankers and their desire to manipulate the economic and scientific fields.

This is a pretty logical chain of reasoning.

*my ears perk up*

So we travel off to the Wounded Coast ("I wonder if it's next to Severe Head Trauma Bay?" -Valerie Hawke), and we're heading towards the Tal-Vashoth camp, when we run into some Dalish elves makin' a scene.
"But honestly, nothing as terrible as your haircut. Damn, girl!"

Doesn't make up for the time you tattooed a black metal band's logo on your forehead either, honey.

Valerie's got a bit of a buzz on, so her attention is piqued when the word "Werewolf" reminds her of her own anthropomorphic minx fursona.

Guess I can't argue with this, since I quit DA:O halfway through the werewolf quest.

Valerie thinks back to how many times she has attempted to absolve her own actions by blaming the curse of her insatiable alcoholism and finds sympathy in her heart for a fellow sufferer.

Ugh, whatever, Tank Girl.

The werewolf stands stationary, impassively watching as we hack up elves and get shot full of arrows inches away from him.

No, it probably did.

So we continue onwards, when suddenly-
Yeah, we kind of knew that.

Yeah, you probably just missed us slaughtering all those mobs of Tal-Vashoth on the way over here. I didn't screenshot them because then this update would be twice as long.

Thanks bro. Really helpful. This guy will show up again in act 2 or 3 talking about how he found purpose in life after leaving the Tal-Vashoth mercenaries... by becoming a mercenary.

So we kill a shitload of Qunari, enter the cave, and

Shadow Isaac posted:

yo, so it's not really gonna come across in the screenshots themselves, but check the automap from these 2 different quests:

SPOILER: They do.

So we head back to Kirkwall to get paid.
Clearly they think very highly of our esteemed employer.

And then, Valerie's breath is taken away by the perfect specimen of masculinity. Those rippling muscles barely contained beneath that smooth gray skin. That deep, mellifluous voice. The chiseled features of a young Clancy Brown.

and most of all, those horns. Those beautiful, massive horns... The Arishok.

Kain is deified. The clans tell tales of him. Few know the truth. He was mortal once, as were we all. However, his contempt for humanity drove him to create me and my bretheren.

Unable to concentrate with such a seething, primal embodiment of manliness before her, Valerie must avert her gaze from the Arishok to focus on the tense negotiations at hand.


He hasn't paid me.

No wealth has been proven because I haven't been paid.

Horned Adonis or not, Valerie has had enough of this fucking shit.

Yeah! Yeah!


Oh I've got some "powder" to "suck" and there's something about to "blow" out of my "head". (I'm about to do cocaine and masturbate.)

And so, with heavy heart, Valerie departs from the golden glow of the Arishok's presence. But she knows in her heart of hearts that this is the first visit of many more to come. He will be hers...

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