Sunday, November 27, 2011

A Plague Burned Upon My Very Harddrive pt.1

So anyway, we're all drunk as shit except for Anders, who's whining that he can't get a buzz on because of Judge Dredd, and we decide that instead of interviewing whores we're gonna go check out a job prospect forwarded by Valerie's former employer Athenril. You remember her as the giraffe-necked elf from something like 50 updates ago.

We find our dwarven client in Lowtown. Valerie drunkenly claps her hand on his shoulder and he promptly screams and pisses himself.
Those piercing eyes... those sensuous lips... you're like a dwarven Chris Kattan.

It's a crate of Corky Romano: Pet Apothecary DVDs.

Kiss me, dwarf Butabi

Yeah, "...for a price" doesn't really work when he's already said he's paying you, Valerie.

I had to kill them.

So after killing the house full of bandits and finding nothing but an empty chest, Valerie exits in disgust, ready to put some serious hurt on Mango. However, as soon as she steps outside she is confronted by a veritable army of mercenaries. One of them remarks that the party doesn't seem to be the elf they were instructed to kill.
So I killed them too.

I already made a serious mistake by installing this game. Everything else is minor by comparison.

wait, there's even more to this trash mob?

Fortunately, the lieutenant staggers around a corner bleeding profusely from a wound to the stomach and falls down dead.
Then the mysterious bishounen's hand starts glowing and he shoves it into the mercenary's chest.

Baby, with looks like those, I'm a slave 4 u.

So it turns out he told the dwarf to hire us as a distraction.
Yeah, sure, you know what happened to the last bitch who played me like this? (I let her walk away unharmed.)

No, they were just sightseeing in the tourist hotspot that is the Kirkwall alienage.

"My name is xXDaRkSePhIrOtHXx and I'm a super-saiyan from earth who ate the ghostu ghostu fruit"

Oh, now you're just taunting me.

For those confused by this cryptic line of questioning, Fenris is seeking clues to his *~mysterious past~*. That's right, he's a brooding swordsman with amnesia! Just another brilliant deconstruction of genre tropes from Bioware, y'all.

It's quite a jump in logic from "empty chest" to "my former master came all the way from Tevinter to Kirkwall," but hey, Bioware.

Say it with me, everyone...

...for a price.

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