Friday, November 18, 2011

The Dalish Mistake pt.1

So we've taken care of the bandits. Let's get back to Kirkwall and collect our reward. We head out to the world map.
Sundermount, Sundermount... sounds familiar. Oh yeah. We were supposed to deliver an amulet there a year ago.

Femembering Flemeth's wisdom, Walerie decides to catch life while she can and get rid of this stupid amulet.

We fight some giant spiders and Valerie gets a new helmet. FUN FACT: Hawke is the only character in this game who can equip armor. All other characters are limited to switching weapons, except Varric, who uses his quadbow for the entire game. Bioware's explanation for why they did this? Not enough people cosplayed as DA:O characters.

After a brief walk, the Dalish camp comes into view. This should be over relatively quickly.

Apparently at some point between Origins and Dragon Age 2, all delineation between elven noses and foreheads disappeared. Evolution is a magical thing.

As always, Valerie attempts to defuse the situation through humor.

"Oh yeah, she did mention an unfunny shithead was gonna be stopping by!"

oooh, I'm really scared, Constable Odo.

Please take it and let me get out of here.

I'm starting to suspect that I'm not gonna be able to get out of this camp as quickly as I'd like...

Valerie, eager to get back to Kirkwall and get paid, cuts right to the chase.

Now wait a second, this wasn't part of the deal.

Oh great, another idiot to slow me down.

...for the rest of the game.

See, this is the problem with parents today, this permissive attitude just lets the kids walk all over them. "Mommy I want an ice cream, mommy I want an Xbox, mommy I want to make my game darker, sexier, better."
Valerie and her companions make their way towards the hill to the graveyard.

OMG. So kawaii~.

Merrill could never imagine the number of times Valerie has been goatse'd in the past year.

That's right everyone, you may remember Merrill from the Dalish elf origin of Dragon Age Origins (I don't because elves are homo). Merrill asks if Valerie misses Ferelden.

Not enough brown? Looks like Valerie's a PS3 fan! Heh, lil' gamer humor there. Us gamers, huh? Us gamers...

Aww, you're so naive and innocent, I just want to smash your face in with a brick.

Valerie echoes the thought that runs through my mind every time I boot this game up.

So we haven't gone more than 50 steps from where we met Merrill, when suddenly-
It wouldn't be a graveyard quest without zombies!

After the fight, Hawke is amazed that Merrill was shooting lighting out of her hands.
Really? The long robes and gigantic fucking staff didn't give it away?

Joss Whedon is kicking himself that he didn't get into Bioware when the iron was hot and now he's just settled into a slow spiral of TV shows doomed to progressively more hilarious failures.

There's no friendly fire in this game anyway. Oh wait, I mean SQUEEEEEE Swoon

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