Thursday, November 17, 2011

This is the Tutorial pt. 1

Let's meet our hero, Valerie Hawke and learn the history of Ferelden:
Had I actually bothered to finish Dragon Age: Origins, we would be loading a save where Valerie fled Lothering shortly after the departure of Grey Warden Davros Cousland, the future warden-commander, who would go on to bang the shit out of Morrigan so that he could survive and be the proud father of a demonbaby. However, I didn't finish, so I'm choosing the pre-created origin that most closely matches my theoretical playthrough.

Varric gives a brief recap of the events of DA:O; the king was betrayed by his right-hand man and almost all the grey wardens died at Ostagar. These cutscenes are probably some of the best parts of the game because of the art direction in them. Also because they are over quickly.

And now we meet the Hawke family:
Valerie glares in disgust at her shitlord little brother Carver. Valerie and Carver hate each other for some unexplained reason. I'm just guessing, but it might have something to do with Carver being an insufferable generic Bioware beta-male fuckshit retard.
Your sister Bethany, who has noticeably smaller tits irl than in the tutorial.
And your mom, who whines and complains a lot.
Fuck yeah, time for some combat! So then I slaughter a trash mob of darkspawn.

You and me both.

Bethany asking the tough questions.

Carver giving the obvious answers.

Aimlessly. That's a good one. Notice the map in the first in-game screenshot. See how it's a straight line? It remains one for this entire area. Anyway, mom says we have relatives in Kirkwall.

Needless to say, we don't wander aimlessly and it isn't away from the darkspawn. after a trash mob, we encounter Wesley and Aveline, a templar and his wife. Wesley immediately gets stabbed and Aveline saves him, saying "they will not have you. Not while I draw breath." Wesley talks some shit about how Bethany's an apostate and you can't trust apostate mages, and Valerie tells him to fuck off. He repeats that she's an apostate twice so you know this is really important.

I forgot to upload the screenshots of this part before I deleted them. They're not that important anyway.

Anyway, 4 trash mobs of darkspawn later-
Valerie and her party come across a familiar looking area.

Wesley continues to display the manly bravery that will make him a valuable member of Hawke's entourage for years to come.

Yep, it's the same ogre.

Carver gets fucking owned, Carth/Alistair/Kaiden 3.0 is taken off the board, and we get another opportunity to view Bioware's masterful facial animations.

Anyway, the ogre fight proceeds the same way as last time, except your equipment is shit, you only have 2 combat skills instead of like 6, and your health doesn't regenerate as fast, so basically it's worse in every single way.

Mom starts whining again.

Valerie's had enough of this shit and decides to snap the old bat out of it.

Actually, I'm pretty sure it was the ogre's.

Are you likin' these Whedonesque one-liners? Boy, you're in luck, because this game has shitloads of them!

And Wesley starts doing his religious shit. Watching him pray to Dragon Jesus or whatever, I begin to wish there was a renegade interrupt system in this game so Hawke could just cut in with "IM AN ATHEIST. DEAL WITH IT." and spare us some of these prolonged cutscenes.

Anyway, while Wesley was busy praying, guess what snuck up on us?
That's right. Another trash mob.

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