Thursday, November 17, 2011

The Legend Begins


We open on some dudes dragging this bargain-basement Ray Winstone midget motherfucker around a castle and throwing him into a chair. I didn't turn on the subtitles at this point in the game yet, and I'm not going to replay this segment just to get new screenshots.

This chick wants to know about "The Champion" and she isn't taking no for an answer. When the dwarf says something predictably smartass, she throws a knife at his dick only for the book in his lap to barely stop it. Coincidentally, I'm barely through the tutorial of this game and I already want to murder my dick and balls.

Anyway, we open on a bunch of Marilyn Manson video extras running up a hill in incredibly jerky motions (this effect enhanced by the integrated video card on my laptop,) to confront...

Our hero, the legendary rogue Valerie Hawke,

and her sister, Titty McBoobsalot.

And now, for the legendary combat. Let's review the design philosophy at play here:

You know how in most games, backstab happens automatically when you position yourself behind an enemy and you continue to backstab as long as their back is to you? Yeah, in this game it's a triggered transportation attack with a cooldown, making it something you can only use occasionally. Not that it matters, as moving your arm vaguely in the direction of an enemy makes them explode like a trashbag full of blood and limbs.

So I kill the first wave of emaciated retards and another one appears.

Titty asks me if I want her to kill them for me. Eager to skip as much combat as possible, I tell her to knock herself the fuck out.

And then I still have to fight them anyway. Fuck.

This will be a recurring theme throughout Dragon Age 2. Endlessly respawning waves of trash mobs. This is probably the last time you're going to see the combat screen for quite a while, because fuck screenshotting these encounters.

So after killing several dozen trash mobs, an ogre spawns, accompanied by more trash mobs.

He goes down like a sack of wet shit and Hawke stabs him in the face.

Then more darkspawn arrive.

You have no idea, tits...

Then a big fuckoff dragon appears and divebombs everyone, blasting them with waves of fire, searing the flesh off their bones-
Okay, yeah, I was just trying for a "rocks fall, everybody dies" ending so I wouldn't have to experience the rest of this story sprung forth from the pens of Jennifer "I hate gameplay" Brandes Hepler, Sheryl "gigglesquee" Chee and David "Twilight owns" Gaider.

The truth is that I make incredibly poor life decisions and this is probably one of them.

No comments:

Post a Comment