Friday, November 25, 2011

The Bloodmage Jihad: There Is No Head Writer But Gaider And Hepler Is His Pro

So we head home and find a letter or something from a mysterious stranger asking us to meet them at a cave by the Wounded Coast.
It's Ser Thrask, the the Templar that was searching for half-elven ingrate Feynriel in a series of screenshots I didn't upload before deleting them. Anyway, he's sympathetic to mages because his daughter was an apostate mage before she turned into an abomination and I killed her. Oops!

Hahaha that's a good one, but when Valerie Hawke's involved, nothing goes peacefully!

Damn Valerie, you killed his daughter and now you're slandering his job performance? You're cold as ice.

The way this game is written, Valerie could walk into the cave wearing a breastplate made out of dead babies and she'd still have a better chance of talking the mages down because at least she's not a templar, ooh they just hate templars sooo much!

Ayoung templar on the warpath, when he's finished it's gonna be a bloodbath. Apostates down in Kirkwall, Yeah I got somethin' for y'all. Fuck the circle.

So we head in and are immediately attacked by an apostate and a trash mob of skeletons.
You'd think she'd recognize it, having been allied with a fucking Dalish blood mage actively using blood magic around her for the past couple days, but whatever.

*a nerd pushes up his glasses* "Um excuse me, but I'm not specced for combat, my build is a medicine/barter/repair specialist and I demand that the designers offer a social solution for every encounter so as to encourage proper roleplaying."

Ummm... this looks a little, shall we say, familiar.

So after clearing the room of shades and skeletons, Valerie realizes that she somehow left an apostate alive.
Don't get your hopes up yet kiddo, I still haven't decided whether or not to do another renegade interrupt.

"Everyone already thinks I'm gay so i might as well just suck this delicious dick being waved in my face!"

This becomes even funnier when you realize that the canon Bioware playthrough is with a male bloodmage Hawke.

Too true, too true.

Great martyrdom operation in Wounded Coast - Andrasteu akbar! Alhamdullilah!

Disgusted by this weakling's lack of conviction, Valerie refuses to even sully her blade with his blood.

So we move on to the center of the bloodslamic jihad.

Bitch I ain't goin' back to prison!

Is there any question how this one's going to end?

Not really.
Yeah, look how great that worked out for you guys.

Way to display your ignorance, Valerie. don't you know that blood magic can only reanimate completely rotted skeletons? Fresh corpses are way impractical to get moving again what with all their muscles still being intact.

As soon as you start bleeding to summon a demon, you're a social pariah. This is what's known in Thedas as the one-drop rule.

Thanks for your input Aveline, you being the expert on magic and all.

Unfortunately the game wouldn't let me ask how much they were willing to pay me.

Don't worry Aveline, Bioware has seen this moral dilemma and decided to make it so that no matter what you choose you still don't kill Ser Thrask (he's a major character in the coming acts) or the blood mages (ditto).

In a rare display of restraint, Valerie realizes that she probably can't pawn bloody templar equipment without people figuring out where she got it from and decides to talk her way out of it.

Uh-huh, sure.

So we leave the cave and oh shit!
It's Ser Karras!

And his horrible fucking mustache!
Fortunately, valerie isn't too distracted by his horrific grooming decisions to bust into the conversation and make herself known.

Judging by the fact that you apparently never considered "lying" as a viable option for ways to escape I'm guessing you don't think much at all.

Apparently this is a witty response?

See, this is the line that was probably written for Valerie but then Bioware couldn't figure out any circumstances in which the Champion of Kirkwall would need to wittily fake her own death.

And with that, the mages depart. If you've gotten as attached to the brilliant character of Grace as I have, don't despair! She'll be back for acts 2 and 3 and none of the decisions you'll have made with regard to her at any point will matter!

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