Thursday, November 17, 2011

This is the Tutorial pt. 3

When we last left Valerie, Bethany, Aveline and Mom, they had just arrived at Kirkwall to find the gates closed to all refugees.
We head up to the man Aveline apparently pointed out as the one the guards were reporting to. (No guards are reporting to him at all.)
Seeing our weapons, the guard correctly identifies us as potential bullies and lets us know that Kirkwall elementary has a zero-tolerance policy.
A scathing indictment of America's border policies.

There are 3 dialogue choices at this point and all of them yield the same line of dialogue from Hawke.
We get it dude, refugees are trash and you're a big jerkface.

As we head towards Captain Ewald, Bethany strikes up a conversation with Aveline.
(In case the game hasn't beaten you over the head with it enough yet, Templars and Mages really don't get along. don't worry if you haven't figured this out yet, they'll repeat it over 9000 more times before this game's over.)

We reach the main square. Get used to this environment, you're going to be seeing it a lot. Captain Ewald is dealing with a rowdy band of mercenary deserters as we approach.

"And 'strewth, a chav roight nicked me mobile! Blighter fancied it, so he nicked it! Bloody 'ell, mate!"
Valerie busts right into the conversation, laying on the charm...

...and gets shot down. Goddammit Bethany, if only your tits were bigger we'd be home free.

Valerie and Bethany bring up their uncle and the estate again.
Oh man, I think we're in for an ironic reversal of our expectations here!
Around this point the designers realized there hasn't been any combat for at least 5 minutes, soooo...
These 5 guys magically turn into a trash mob of 25 mercenaries and we have to kill them all.

After dispatching them with minimal effort, Ewald berates his jerkface underling for not responding sooner and thanks Valerie and company.
...for a price.

Aaand, a few days later...

This game has to end.

Well, this guy looks like a fine, upstanding citizen with a palatial estate!

This line might work if, you know, her face wasn't completely devoid of wrinkles and she didn't have gravity-defying tits that rival those of her much younger daughters, but hey, her hair's gray!

Again with the whining! Jesus woman, don't you ever cheer up?

Even Bethany is getting disgusted with Valerie's constant attempts to seduce every man she encounters.


Well aren't you just a fucking ray of sunshine, mommy?

But fear not, Gamlen has a plan!
We're going to whore ourselves!

"Yea, getting gangfucked in every hole for money. Whatevs. At least we don't have to fight trash mobs of darkspawn and bandits anymore."

Unfortunately, I can't say the same for this game.

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