Thursday, November 17, 2011

This is the Tutorial pt. 2

When we last left our heroes, Carver had just been smashed to shit by an ogre and everyone else had to hide their glee long enough to appear solemn while Wesley did a halfassed funeral for him. all of a sudden, darkspawn appeared! (The same darkspawn they'd just spent the past half hour massacring by the truckload.) Things were looking grim for our heroes for all of 2 seconds when suddenly-
A big fuckoff dragon appears and divebombs everyone, blasting them with waves of fire, searing the flesh off their bones.

Remember how inquisitor adrastia Seeker Iforgothername screamed "Bullshit! That's not what really happened" at this point in Dwarven Chest Rockwell's story? It turns out that's exactly what really happened.

So the dragon lands and glows for a little bit, then something unexpected happens:
She turns into this motherfuckin' GMILF

An erection.
For someone whose brother has recently died in front of her and was just rescued from the jaws of death by a gigantic purple dragon, Valerie is remarkably composed about all this.

Shep Face.

Humor in the face of tragedy. That's our Valerie!

Ferelden assisted living's playmate of the year is suitably impressed by Valerie's clever tongue. At Comiccon this year I angrily asked David Gaider why I couldn't put that "clever tongue" to use and eat out Flemeth (spoiler: this is Flemeth) right there on the spot. He told me they're "looking into a Flemeth romance for da3". Jennifer Brandes Hepler assured me that she was talking to the animators about adding a transformation into the sex scene, and in the process of negotiating a lucrative licensing contract with Bad Dragon.

Anyway, boomin' granny, boomin' fanny says she might be able to help me yet.
Naturally, Valerie is skeptical of the charity of this bitch after she refused to teach her how to get in touch with her scalesona.

Aveline reminds everyone that she's still here and still insufferable.
Hm, Flemeth. That sounds familiar...

Oh yeah. why the makeover?

"From virginal girl next door to crazy up against the wall let's have it on right here"
Darker. Sexier. Better. Thanks, Bioware.
"And I do mean... anything" *licks lips lasciviously*
Oh. A fetch quest. Yay.
Oh yeah, remember when Wesley got stabbed? (Probably not because I deleted the screenshot before uploading it, lmao) Despite the fact that Valerie, Bethany and Aveline have spent the past half hour fighting darkspawn, getting stabbed by darkspawn and covering themselves in more darkspawn blood than a DMX album cover, Wesley's been tainted as a result of his wound and now he's going to turn into a darkspawn.
Aveline lacks the moral fiber to do what must be done.
Valerie has no such compunctions.
This dialogue is meta as fuck.

So anyway, the entire journey is reduced down to a 30 second animated cutscene which i then cut down to 2 screenshots. Its a good thing bioware didn't let a pesky thing like interactivity get in the way of the story they wanted to tell.


Ah, scenic Kirkwall. I can't wait to spend the next 30-40 hours here! Let's get inside and get this motherbitch kicked into high gear-
NOT Awesome!

Always a clever quip on hand!

So mom whines about how respected our family is in Kirkwall and how we have to get inside.

Note that they don't actually show the man Aveline is talking about, proving yet again that Bioware have taken the common writer's mantra of "show, not tell," realized that wasn't in play in Stephanie Meyers' twilight, and promptly set that shit on fire and pissed on the ashes.

Aaaand we're in Kirkwall. Apparently Aveline is still holding a grudge against me from that time I stabbed her husband in the heart.

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