Friday, February 10, 2012

Dude, No. This Is Serious. I Just Sharded.

Urgh, Aveline? I need to get drunk for this.

Off to the Hanged Man!
No, but when has that ever stopped you?

Valerie recalls her own difficulty at leasing out the guest bedrooms in her house.

Nah, Varric just passed them off as a modern art installation.

Smash it? Forget the Rivani, do you know how much we could sell the house to Danzig for?

Even Valerie's getting tired of all these reused environments.

Just be thankful I'm an obsessive-compulsive completionist who literally can't not do a quest.

I'm gonna be honest I've probably killed way more than a dozen dragons by this point assuming you include the babies in the count.


Hopefully Alistair's been gone from the Viscount's keep long enough for the stench of desperation and wet dog to dissipate. Time to check in on Aveline.
It's true, a woman can't be depended upon to be a guard commander; what if she menstruates all over some important patrol routes?

My life would be easier if I had never installed this game.

You could cut the passive-aggression in here with a knife.

Because if not, Valerie could always make it worse!

Templar giving you trouble? Let's kill him. Not like we haven't been doing that for years now.

Who would willingly want to work with Aveline? I only even allow her in the party when the plot forces me to.

Now, Valerie's just being honest here, but watch what happens:


More honesty.

What did I say wrong here?

Oh my god, do I have to?

hahaha yes that's what we're going to be getting and not a horrific interminable trash mob. I am dead inside.

Oh my god shut the fuck up.

fuck you fuck you FUCK YOU.

Hey, remember that time Valerie had to stab your husband in the heart because you were crying too hard to do it?

wonder how to make Aveline like you in this situation?
By patronizing her.

Eager to help Aveline prove HAHAHA I can't even finish this shit. Let's go see what Varric wanted.
Here in Bartrand's pad the party don't stop, Tik Tok 24/7 baybee! Wake up in the morning feeling like Qunari/Grab my daggers and my staff/Installed this game; I'm sorry.

Same. Oh, you're not talking about this game?

Wow. Ghosts. Scary.

Apropos of nothing, Varric has become bizarrely obsessed with the idol. Well, I'm sure there's nothing out of the ordinary here.

We enter the main hall to find that we've been mysteriously teleported to the Ocean House Hotel in modern day Santa Monica. Incidentally, I'd rather be playing an unpatched version of Vampire The Masquerade: Bloodlines right now.

So we head upstairs and into the master bedroom, seeking a place to mastur-bed (that was a horrible pun, I hate myself).
Hell yeah Valerie's real, she keeps it real all day err' day, straight Kirkwall thug life.

Fortunately, Varric has his priorities in order.

Billy Idol.

Wouldn't want to miss dinner, especially not tonight, Bodahn's roasted a suckling nug.

Varric's acting like a templar in the "throws" of lyrium addiction desperate for a fix right now.

"Again"? Honey, this game's been going on for like 38 hours now.

Valerie pauses, wondering why she doesn't have a buzz on anymore. Those 6 pints should have kept her loose for at least another hour...

Fortunately the disturbing implications of her escalating tolerance are interrupted by a blood-curdling scream.

RIP random woman, punched to death by a ghost rock.

Yet more evidence of the DA2 philosophy that bigger numbers = better than.

RIP ghost rock, stabbed to death with knives.

(They never actually show what the piece of the idol looks like)

This seems like fool-proof reasoning already.

Cry some more, 45 hours of my life went into this game and I'm pretty sure I got the worse end of the bargain.

Anders, as always a bastion of rationality when it comes to dangerous magic.

Um, you already know what happened to him: you shot him in the heart with a crossbow.

I wish they had taken the anthropomorphization of Varric's weapon a step further and made the crossbow a full party member with unique dialogue and a romance tree.

Wow, that really took a lot of convincing. I can see how much that meant to you.

Giving Varric the idol has no consequences aside from giving him an extra enchantment slot on his crossbow, which is pointless anyway because I never enchanted any weapons. Of course, who knows how the consequences of that choice may carry over to Dragon Age 3- AHAHAHAHAHA choices carrying over that's a good one. I crack myself up sometimes.

I could use about a gallon of bourbon right now.

On the way out, Anders and Varric reflect on some of the regrets from Anders' past.


  1. Man, dwarf dude takin' a pretty big dump in those first pics

  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

  3. Now that you mention it, you're right; Vampire the Masquerade: Bloodlines is not only a better game, with a better story, it is also graphically and artistically superior. This piece of shit game is being outshone by a game literally SEVEN YEARS older than it.

  4. Why is Eric Idle a templar now?