Friday, February 24, 2012

Bitch I Look like Goku

Alright, after foolishly turning on us, Orsino has fallen to Valerie's blades. Now with the resounding victory of killing the figurehead of the faction we were fighting on behalf of behind us, it's time to move onwards and crush the templars once and for all.
Which, naturally, entails killing a bunch of trashmobs.

Hey sandal, what's up?

Oh my god does Bioware EVER get tired of this joke?

By the way, we didn't buy anything because at this point all the best gear has been given from quests or dropped by dead bosses already. Onwards to victory!

So then we killed a trash mob of mages AND templars. Thankfully, Bioware included a desire demon so that they could get away with not changing the composition of this mob regardless of which side you picked.

Then we killed a bunch of templars without mages accompanying them.

At last, the courtyard! It's a straight line from here to the finis-


Okay guys, no more fakeouts. Straight line from here to the finish.
So has anyone else that played the game to this point.

Ah Cullen, displaying the level head for which he is known when he insisted that the Warden kill all mages in Dragon Age: Origins.

"I defended you when you were holding lethal hazings, covering up lobotomized sex slave rings, and trying to genocide every mage in Kirkwall, but going after the writers' Mary Sue is just too far!"

Wow. Finally a plot thread connecting all 3 chapters emerges. For those of you at keeping track, it only took 44.5 hours of a 45 hour game for this to show up.

Not explained at all: how or why it was made into a sword.

Take a number and get in line, honey.

Could this be true? Will we have our first ever boss battle without a 5 wave trash mob accompanying it?

Thank you Anders, that's very perceptive.

Aw yeah, Hawke squad layin' the smackdown, default battle script style.

Heh. Winded already?

And then Meredith went super saiyan.

I wonder what's gonna happen now?

Oh, hey, nice statue.

Valerie is curious what that metallic creaking noise could be...

Are you fucking kidding me.

Hey look, Cullen's joined in to help us stab this 30 foot tall bronze statue to death!

So has bethany! Fortunately, that 20-ton metal statue proved no match for Valerie's 2 knives, so we return our attention to the head bitch in Kirkwall.

Anders, what does the scanner say about her power level?

IT'S OVER 9000!

Meanwhile, Cullen strolls away at a leisurely pace.
Oh, hey Meredith. good to see you again. Have you done something with your hair?

Oh dear, sorry about the septic tank over there, this place is an absolute mess!

Oh, it's on now.

That's right, this is no ordinary trash mob. This is a trash mob of statues!

Fortunately, they're still huge pussies and go down like a pack of dog lords just like every other trash mob in this fucking game.

Let's check in with the gang:
Hi, Bethany!

Hi, Varric!

Hi, Aveline!

Hi... ugh, what the fuck are you doing here?

Now comes my absolute favorite part of the fight: the part where Meredith stunlocks everyone on the battlefield so that she can deliver her monologue.
Okay, sure.

How's that whole "defeating the champion" thing working out for you?

You just were.

Oh shit, it's time for round two!

Or not.

That works too.

"Looks like she'll never be the 'head' of a major corporation," Valerie remarks to a crowd of perplexed onlookers.

Oh. Hi guys. Hope you're not angry about that whole "brutally murdering hundreds upon hundreds of templars" thing. We can work something out, right?



And then what happened? What happened next?

This is the worst fucking endgame ever.


  1. And so ends the extremely long shaggy dog RPG story.

  2. Two updates ago, someone mentioned dancing robots during the final battle.
    I hope you're happy now, you jerk!

    1. Extremely!
      So is this like a well-known property of lyrium? Did we miss a codex entry that said: "In its pure form Lyrium induces megalomania, the ability to cause bronze statues to pop 'n lock, some Saiyanitis, enormous backflip syndrome, cheap looking red glowy effects, death, and in some cases postmortem partial statueification. Pregnant women and poorly written corrupt authority figures with power issues should not use pure lyrium."

  3. And now, finally, we reach the end of our journey. Well, besides all the awful stuff in the final cutscene. Roll 'em!

  4. oh wow

    Hahahaha fuck this game forever.

  5. And somehow, stunlocking your party just so Meredith can deliver that stupid monologue (this really is scripted to happen btw) is most grating of all.

    But good news folks; the ride is almost finished. From here, it's all over but the retconning.

    1. Wait, there's MORE retconning???

    2. For the record, Meredith doesn't stunlock your ENTIRE party: if you look closer you can see Aveline attacking her during her speech.
      One of Aveline's abilities gives her 100% resistance to stun, therefore Meredith will deliver her corny speech while Aveline is happily pounding on her, ruining what little dramatic effect the thing might have had. BioWare!

    3. Well, SirPhoebus, there will be. DA3 is coming eventually, after all...