We'll Put A Boot Up Your Ass, It's The Kirkwallian Way

Come on Orsino, you waited until NOW to start asking for coherent character motivations?

I believe Trey Parker and Matt Stone would disagree with you there, Anders.

Yeah, it's pretty awesome, isn't it?

Oh man, we just stepped it up from the tranquil solution to the final solution!

Oh man, looks like there's a game-defining moral decision coming up. Let's get all the important viewpoints on the situation here.

Shut the fuck up.

Oh Fenris, so naive, you still think we have any influence over the plot.

Um, you're one to talk.

Oh man guys, this is so hard! I just don't know who I should side with right now, the ethical implications of this decision are paralyzing me!

I wouldn't have cared, actually.

Fighting wouldn't be a quick death, given that it'd consist of several hundred waves of trash templars spawning out of midair until you eventually died.

Out of nowhere, Hawke suddenly decides to get really angry and indignant.

hahaha he doesn't even care.

Don't worry, you'll never have to deal with the reactions of the Kirkwall populace no matter what choice you make.

Valerie thinks back and remembers what the Arishok would have done for her.

Oh my god I don't care you're never in my party anyway.

I'll tell you one thing, I'm sure that I'm so fucking ready for this to be over.

Ganbare, Hawke-sama!!! Meiyuril-chan will always be by your side!

Wow man, this is such a heavy decision. I don't even know what-

Valerie displays all the rational decision-making ability we've come to expect from a binge drinker and spree killer of her magnitude.

"durrr, I must side with the Knight Commander against you if need be, oh wait you were serious? Um, yeah, I guess I'll side with you. Shit. Shit..."

Installing this game was a mistake.

Oh wow, this is it. I've called down the thunder. Let's see what happens when I reap the templars' wrath.

A trash mob. Great. Don't mind us, Anders, just fighting to save your life over here.