Thursday, February 9, 2012

My Alchemical Romance

So now that we've cleared up where we stand with Meredith, let's see what Anders wanted with his shit-rocks and dragon rocks.
Um, Anders, it's pretty obvious why you wanted Valerie to wear a fake mustache in bed.

Wait... why would we go to the chantry if we weren't going to get confronted by a trash mob?

Valerie's always eager to put her quippin' to the test! But something seems a little off here...

Yeah, that seemed a little obvious when you wanted to make a potion entirely out of rocks.

Wait, what? Who said anything about people dying?

Well okay, that sounds like a completely sane and reassuring thing to say.

It doesn't matter either way because this chain of events plays out exactly the same whether you help Anders or not.

Ah, the Chantry. Site of some of Valerie's favorite murder sprees.

Yeah, whatever.

We're born, we install Dragon Age 2, a bunch of things happen, and now we realize we should have killed ourselves 3 years ago.

By those standards this is the most complex game ever made.

And then we glomped and huggled.


Gonna be honest here: really regret not picking the bottom option.

What? No. I'm talking about the elves. Fuck the mages.

Finally someone acknowledges the fact that Hawke's party is half comprised of mages!

"And perhaps the truth is in the middle HURRR I'm an insufferable teenage libertarian fuckwit and Trey Parker is a political visionary."

So the if head of the Chantry hates Meredith, the head of the Circle hates Meredith, and basically everyone in Kirkwall hates Meredith, why is she still in charge again?

God I wish the Qunari had taken over this shithole when they had the chance.

They make sure to deliver this line as awkwardly as possible so you know Anders has been up to some shonky business.

haha yeah, we found a balm, alright. OH MY GOD JC, A BALM!

Alright, we've finished up whatever it was we were supposed to be doing at the chantry, then Anders mumbles something about wanting to go change and heads home. Valerie's confused, because when she gets blackout drunk and pukes all over herself, she just kills a few Dog Lords so the dried blood will cover up the vomit.
Looks like anders has decided to give out some farewell gifts before he goes on tour with his bardic troupe, My Alchemical Rivalmance.

I used to hump my pillow at night.
The type of silent prayer to help myself prepare for the light.
Me and my buddy Jowan would rank the girls between one and ten
And the highest number got to be my pillows pretend.

Because Isabela isn't here to appreciate its musky odor and you're the next best thing?

Yeah, he's not exactly dreaming about killing them, if you catch my drift.

Yes, it's truly puzzling for someone to show up at their significant other's place. Especially when they visit all the goddamn time to do companion quests.

Don't flatter yourself, I'm only doing this because I missed the chance to trigger the Fenris chain.

Ah Valerie, such a romantic.

You're so fucking special. I wish I were special.

But I'm a mage. I'm an apostate. What the hell am I doing here? On a plot railroad. On a plot railroad...

What is the best way to get Valerie in the mood? A couple Orlesian wagon bombs and some wanton slaughter, of course!

I will let you down. I will make you hurt.

Whoa, Anders is possessed by the spirit of vengeance too?
Now I unironically wish Anders was played by Nicolas Cage

Hey, what's this letter on Hawke's table?
Oh for fuck's sake.


  1. Fun fact: after this quest rival Hawke can try sell Anders the paranoid crazy mage out to Cullen, paranoid crazy templar, emphasize on try, because Cullen wouldn't buy and Anders wouldn't give much of a shit.

  2. So, is every attempt to make us sympathetic to mages (including shameless trialization and exploitation of the Holocaust) about to be invalidated because, whoopsy, mages really are as horrible as the templars make them out to be?

    Because if so, then this fucking game...

  3. Oh man, Anders replaced his grey feathers with black ones! Like a fallen angel!
    That means he's going to do something evil for a greater cause, that no one else can do!
    I wonder what he could possibly have been doing in the Chantry!

    Spoiler: he put the shit rocks in the Grand Cleric's room, with a sign "u suk" next to it.