Sunday, February 5, 2012

Massive Wyrm Penetrates Bone Pit

Hmm, Knight-Commander Meredith's certainly got her knickers in a twist about this whole escaped mage situation. Let's treat it with the urgency it deserves.

Time to check in on Valerie's investments.
Given that Valerie hasn't put a dime into this mine, it's think it's more appropriate to say that Hubert is the only one who's ruined here.

Yeah, it's almost like that's the only reason you two interact with each other.

Damn, must have been a Qunari lookin' for a little fun on "the down-low" at "the Bone Pit".

Unfortunately Kirkwall has not grown accepting of the brony subculture.

Put the boots to Princess Celestia, medium-style.

Remember the good old days when Valerie was killing dragons and sending immigrants to a lifetime in prison?

Anyway, the party heads to the bone pit only to find a scene of horrific devastation.
Naturally, anders has his priorities in order.

"So where do you work, Varrold?"
"Oh, you know, scenic little place called the Bone Pit. There's a great spot for lunch breaks in the little grove by the enormous pillar of human skulls."

Flemeth, you're back! Oh, we have so much to talk about! First off, can you believe what Meredith said to Orsino? And that hair! I swear, girl,

Nevermind, it's just a high dragon and we have to kill it, because it wouldn't be a Dragon Age game without at least one overlong multi-stage battle against a giant dragon.

Here's the first stage, where everyone else uses ranged attacks to weaken up the dragon, while Fenris runs in to hit it with his sword and get thrown into the air and completely owned.

Here's the second stage, where the dragon flies onto a cliff and summons several trash mobs of dragons and dragonlings for the party to fight while taking potshots at them with fireballs.

Here's the third stage, where the dragon stays on the cliff shooting fireballs at the party and anyone who doesn't have a ranged weapon (Fenris) is completely worthless.

Apparently I didn't get a screenshot of the stage where the dragon landed and went straight to the next round of dragonling trash mobs, but rest assured, you go through this entire cycle about 3 times. It's important to note that at no point during this tedious shitfest were any characters in danger of dying.

Finally, Valerie has softened up the dragon enough to make the killing blow in a devastating cinematic takedown.

By pressing X when her Champion Meter is full, valerie is able to unlock Champion Vision, aka "The Hawke Eye," and perform brutal melee takedowns as well as see glowing dots representing where the next trashmob will spawn.

Valerie prepares to deliver the killing blow...

To the roof of the high dragon's mouth. Seriously Bioware? You couldn't even manage to animate stabbing it between the eyes or something?

Valerie stands victorious, wearing the Armor of the Champion, which apparently the dragon had swallowed and shat out upon death. Look, it had to appear from somewhere and it's not like this thing has any pockets!

Remember how psyched Merrill was to see a dragon the first time we went to the bone pit?

Er, Anders, i'm pretty sure that's what Valerie's supposed to say.

We just KILLED a fucking DRAGON, I think we can manage scraping up a few rocks.

At least we're not looking for them in human shit like we were last time.

Spiders? In a cave? How... original.

Not content to stop at reusing the varterral boss fight, Bioware's literally recycling bosses from the Deep Roads at this point.

You would have asked Valerie regardless of whether you completely fucking loathed her or not, much like how you would have fucked her regardless.

Hm, yeah. That's a conversation I'm real eager to have.

Time to check in with Hubert.
Also, check out my sick threads.

I don't know, why don't you ask the horse?

Both of them.

Perhaps you might consider a new way of life, one that might give you a sense of purpose? Greetings, I am Tamassran and I am here to see if you have a moment to talk about the Qun.

Ialready have the best armor and dagger in the game, what do I need money for?

Valerie decides regardless of her vast material wealth, it's time to gouge this motherfucker for all he's worth.

Soon, I too will be able to say these magic words... Praying


  1. Dear god how many belts? even Nomura has been cutting back in years

    Anders has the same problem because he apparently never heard of buttons? or just a single piece robe?

  2. Hey Bioware, you know that you're supposed to do the mundane task AND THEN fight the dangerous boss, not the other way around. Sheesh, such unprofessionalism from an otherwise solid and well laid out gaahahaha no, I can't do it!