Wednesday, February 15, 2012

You Got Mage In My Templar! You Got Templar In My Mage! pt.1

Let's check in over at the Viscount's Keep:

Anyway, now that we've helped our adorable Dalish pixie genocide her entire tribe, it's time to deal with some mages who don't know how to handle the awesome responsibilities that come with their powers.

Meredith's been trying to get permission to Auschwitz the circle for this entire act and he's worried about mages becoming a target.

Whoa. Whoa. Sometimes a bro likes to stay out after curfew, get some stank on it, you know what I mean? One time back in college I smuggled anthrax across 3 state lines because this Persian honey I met on chatroulette told me she'd let me hit it raw if I could get her a bioweapon and when Homeland Security stopped me I was just like "sheeeeit, I'm just trynna get my dick wet nigga!" Let me go with a slap on the wrist.

Have you seen a demon recently? Bitches can't get enough of that purple dick.

Thanks, Merrill.

Only pussies are scared of the RA, dogg.

And you can too, at Suicide Girls tour 2012! Buy your tickets now!

Don't kill anyone unless I meet a trash mob. Got it.

Wish in one hand, shit in the other, see what fills up first. Whoa! How did this copy of Dragon Age 2 get into my other hand?

I didn't deserve this game.

I never asked for this.

Because the game's almost over and it's time to resolve these character arcs?

Nah, that'd mean that the characters would have to actually change in some way.

Let's see what's up with this meeting.
Templars and mages? Together? What perversion of the natural order is this? What's next, ebony and ivory?

Yeah, I'm pretty great.

Black guy got some white hands.

How thoughtful of you to preemptively break your own neck. Saves me the trouble.

Go trash mob go trash mob go trash mob go!

Oh come on Anders, I'm sure the necessity of concealing their sedition from the vigilant eye of Meredith has made these guys incredibly paranoid and protective of their secr-

Oh. Well then.


  1. THIS.
    This is the quest that best exemplifies the infamous "BioWare choice".
    For one, if you stay neutral or side with the templars at the beginning of Act III, the conspirators say you're "spying for Meredith" instead, and NOTHING changes. Of course, it only gets worse.

  2. Oh my god. Why am I still reading this?

    I know that on SomethingAwful you said you were putting as much effort into this Let's Play as Bioware put into this game, but jesus shit, this commentary has been getting worse and worse the more you drag this on. You are literally making the same five or six jokes over again. "I hate this game." "David Gaider can't write." "Valerie is a psychopath." "DTF gigglesquee hurp durp surp gurp." I didn't think it was possible, but you're putting even LESS effort into this LP than the developers put into Dragon Age II, and at this point, the only reason I'm still even fucking reading is because of the same reason I beat DA2: I've gone this far, I might as well finish the turd.

    This LP sucks and I'm glad you were banned, because holy shit, the fact that you attracted some sort of weird cult following on this tripe is astronomically insane.

    1. Now, had this been a "normal" LP I would have agreed with you. However, this is Let's Play Dragon Age 2.
      The game itself is the joke, and anything else is just complimentary to how awful this darker, sexier, better trainwreck is.

  3. PLease go to the LP archive and view the Dai Katana LP by Proteus1337 and Suspicious to truly experience the things you are complaining about in action.

    1. There are a couple LPers that can review truley awful games and keep things fresh. The only one I can think of is DarkId.

      Besides DarkId, though, trying to LP a really crappy game is a soul-draining experience (protip: do not choose "Master of Orion 3" as your first LP)

    2. But TheDarkId actually makes bad games look good, for example his Drakengard 2 LP is pretty enjoyable despite being, well, Drakengard 2.
      If he made Dragon Age 2 look even slightly acceptable, it wouldn't be "the Dragon Age 2 experience" anymore, though.

      Also, ironically, I was reading the Daikatana LP earlier today, and now I want to see a game designed by Romero and written by Hamburger Helper.