This Will Go Somewhere Eventually

Fenris may be busy sulking about how Valerie wouldn't let him kill his sister, but Valerie's got a good buzz going and a note telling here where to go to kill some Templars. And what a coincidence, it happens to be just a few yards away from the Hanged Man!

Sadly I can't say the same, as I willingly installed this game.

Yeah. We've been standing here the whole time.

So the white wall of silence kicks in as the Templars attempt to cover up their police brutality, but Valerie is having none of it.

Three waves of trash mobs later...

I think I already made a "this is Sparta!" "joke" so I'm not gonna do it again.

Well, now that Valerie's gotten her daily killing spree out of the way, it's time to check in on our friends and family. First stop: Gamlen's house!

Meanwhile, all Valerie's doubts about Gamlen proved to be completely accurate.

Don't worry, it won't last long.

I wish it was still in the grave, along with the entire city of Kirkwall.

On the way out, Valerie notices a letter on Gamlen's desk and, out of respect for Gamlen's privacy, immediately reads it.

A... gem you say?

 

Way too late for that, gamlen.

Okay, #1, you lost our fortune and our home to gambling debts, and #2 who's Mmara- oh wait I don't give a shit.

You... just said it was "our fortune".

I love you too, Uncle Gamlen.

And now, some scenes from the streets of Kirkwall:

The art team didn't give the elves any shoes because that would have been too much work for them. (This is the actual reason David Gaider provided.)

Anders and Fenris have a lively debate:

Fenris. We just wiped out several dozen Templars who were about to execute an innocent woman in the street.

Have you ever thought that turning all mages into lobotomized sword enchanting rape-dolls might be not far enough, hmmm?

Oh no, don't drag Valerie into this.

IValerie sure doesn't. Hell, she's fucking one!

So are you talking about Anders or Merrill here?

Aveline married Guardsmen Donnic, BTW:

Especially those sideburns...

DAAAAAMN!

Nice to see that wandering the docks with your friends takes priority over summoning demons.

A statue has been erected at the docks to commemorate Hawke saving the city:

Ummm... that isn't what happened. At all.

Aveline and Anders have a heart to heart:

I'm pretty sure it's night time now.

Hahaha, so Anders, can't believe you haven't killed a shitload of people yet. Good job!

 

Merrill is a fashionista:

It's fierce.

 

Come on Anders, it's not like she said yo robe looks like a dishrag. (It does.)

A Touching Family Reunion pt. 2

After Fenris realizes what's happening here, he quickly moves on to the most important course of action in this situation:

Assigning blame.

I never asked for this.

For our readers at home, this is a subtle literary device called foreshadowing that you may have seen before in this LP.

Actually this dipshit was too busy drinking to get it up when Valerie was hella DTF so she ended up hooking up with Anders instead. I think everyone was the loser in this situation.

Calm down Fenris, when he said you "Suck dick like a pro" he meant it as a compliment. Some people...

(Sighs) The game is "shit".

And now begins the multi-wave battle against Danarius.

The first wave is slavers.

The next wave is shades and demons. See Danarius in the background? Even if we rushed him, he'd still be invincible because he has a forcefield that won't drop until you've killed all the trash mobs.

Only once you get to the skeleton wave can you fight Danarius. The climax of Fenris's entire character arc is a fight against 3 mobs of the same enemies you've been fighting since Act 1.

And now, the heartwrenching climax:

Aw yeah! Can you feel the fuckin' catharsis y'all?

Fenris sure can't because he's mad as hell.

Look, it's bad enough you sold him out to slavers, but continually reminding him that he has the same name as the frontman for 30 Seconds to Mars? That's just cruel.

Bein a magister, smokin fat blood mage kush... the stankest of all highs.

Ahahaha yes Anders that's the natural conclusion to come to here.

You don't even know how real it gets on the streets of Tevinter.

Oh that Fenris, such a rascal! Always wanting to murder his family!

I will... for a price.

I mean, look at her, she's obviously not carrying any decent unique loot.

Valerie's facade cracks for a moment as she remembers her own diseased sister coughing up darkspawn jizz in the Deep Roads and her zombie mom pole-dancing in the Darktown sewers.

IVarric, the party's resident expert on sibling-murder, chimes in.

lol alright which one of you works at Bioware

WHAAAA?

I... always asked for this?

 

Yeah, ghost tattoos, sweet AOE lyrium damage and the ability to rip out people's organs all combined with a homicidal rage warring with a deeply ingrained slave mentality is so much better than having to shoulder the burden of making decisions for yourself.

One time Fenris made a turkey sandwich and the mayonnaise had spoiled. He blamed that on magic too.

Fenris gets as autistic as Merrill once the f-word comes into the conversation.

Okay Anders, you? Really not helping.

Yeah. You said that literally the first fucking time we met you.

Okay, we'll get right on that. But first, Valerie has some important business to take care of.