The Valerie Hawke Get Your Friends Laid Show pt.4

It's New Year's Eve, and to celebrate, I'm going out to a bar with some of my closest friends.

VALERIE HAWKE AND GUARDSMAN DONNIC!

Are y'all ready for this? It's date night, motherfuckers!

And thus begins the most uncomfortable, awful segment of the game.

You're gonna be seeing this shot a lot if you actually play this sequence.

What a wacky comedy of misunderstandings this is!

FADE TO BLACK

Not content to hit rock bottom by herself, Valerie decides to fuel Donnic's descent into alcoholism as well.

Aww, she's ~shy~!

David Gaider proves his nuanced grasp of nonverbal communication.

FADE TO BLACK

Are you laffin' yet?

Are you fucking kidding me.

Yeah, you're welcome. Dick.

3 guesses what Valerie's response is, and the first 2 don't count!

As far away as possible from this quest, I hope.

Hey, hey now. I know you're depressed, but smothering yourself to death in Isabela's cavernous vagina is not the answer.

Okay, you're clearly doing it wrong because that's pretty much all Valerie and company do while killing highwaymen.

Hahaha dang, Isabela sure is down to fuck! She likes to fuck so much that she'll sleep with a guy she's not even attracted to, she's just so down to fuck!

Because once he's gotten up in Isabela's guts there's gonna be no reason to go for Aveline.

Yeah, as I said, you're really not trying hard enough.

NO

NONONONONO FUCK YOU FUCK YOU

The Valerie Hawke Get Your Friends Laid Show pt.3

Coming up soon:

Aveline Vallen (Meg Ryan) is right at home ordering around the Kirkwall city guard, but when it come to hunky guardsman Donnic (Dermot Mulroney), she finds herself hilariously tongue-tied! It's up to Aveline's free-spirited friend Valerie Hawke (Julia Roberts) to help Aveline get her groove back in a hilarious comedy of mixed signals and trash mobs! Coming up next, it's the latest installment of the hit romantic comedy The Truth About Qunaris And Mabaris.

And be on the lookout next month for the network premiere of the sleeper hit So I Married A Dog Lord, featuring Mike Meyers as Ohgren and Anna Faris as Queen Anora.

Okay, so the upside: we're finally finishing up the sequence of this quest that takes place in the barracks. The downside: there's 2 more sequences to go.

Nothing says "I love you" like an implication that you're a gigantic pussy who can't handle yourself in a fight.

The giraffe neck fucks up an otherwise perfect av.

Female empowerment at its finest from Bioware, gaming's most progressive developer.

For some reason Aveline doesn't get angry about this one?

Unfortunately I can't say the same for this game.

This fucking dialogue.

Okay, never heard it called that one before.

How could anyone get tired of the suction from this cum-hungry brown babe? (Who, by the way folks, loves to fuck!)

(Thanks bhlaab!)

Please. Please do. Please, no more of this quest.

Guardsman Donnic eat my pussy. Yes that is an order.

Shame is the driving force behind this let's play.

Hahaha don't worry, this is a Bioware quest. It won't be.

Okay, I'll do it, but only if I can do it in the most convoluted fashion possible!

lmao this is literally a Julia Roberts/Cameron Diaz movie at this point.

You know me, career criminal and spree killer, just gonna take the upstanding forces of law and order out for a couple drinks.

It is only going to get worse from here.